Empty

An empty house on a familiar street where I used to walk in without knocking.
Empty rooms where furniture was pushed aside to make room for celebrations big & small.
An empty seat in the car on the way to the coffee shop, grocery store or craft store.
Empty pews in a homey church where cousins held hands to Sunday School and peppermints and smiles were passed.
Empty table where good tastes were shared.
Empty time formerly spent in comfortable conversation or easy silence.

We can remember the warmth of the full as we begin to experience the chill of the empty.  When our hearts ache to be filled up we are daring enough to open them to the new and unfamiliar plans of The One who has good things in store for those who love him.
We can trust Him to fill what is empty.

So I loosen my grip and let go with a smile as I wipe my eyes.

Hard to Swallow

My friend is moving.  My friend and her whole family are moving.  My kids friends, my husband's friend.  They are all moving.  I'm so happy for the opportunities they are moving to. I know it is the best thing for them and would not change the situation if I could....

But...  I get a bit of a lump in my throat when I realize I won't be dropping in to hang out on Sunday afternoons.  Games of  Settlers or Pirates will be a lot farther between.  Our annual White Elephant gift exchange will probably be canceled ;o).  Birthday parties will not be as well attended.  Honest talks over a cupa will be exchanged for FB chats and Skype, no more going into labour on her couch...

Nothing will be the same ever again!

But God has good things in store, so I can trust that his will is perfect and that the lump in my throat will diminish in time... 

"Though it's hard to let you go. In the Father's hands we know that a lifetime's not to long to live as friends"

Anxiety

After posting a years worth of pictures of each of my kids (well, half a year for Kayla), I have once again become shocked and dismayed at how fast time is passing, and how few of the things I've done with my kids that I thought I would do some day.  It's so easy to get into a slump and day after day passes, mess after mess is mopped up, tears are wiped, smiles are captured on USB cards, meals are made and devoured, and I try desperately to cling to these moments.  This time that I have right now, that I will look back and wish for someday.  AAAAAHHHH the pressure, to live in the moment, to plan for the future and to learn from the past.  I sure feel like I'm not getting it.  I keep trying to be patient, but I blow up over a water spill.  I begrudge the meals I have to make, and forget to be thankful for the food in my fridge and the family to share it with.  Some days I feel like I'm being buried alive under a pile of requests, duties and commitments.  This is laughable when I consider how few things I am committed to outside my home, in comparison to many other accomplished women I know.  I'm starting to become afraid that I won't ever get this Mom thing figured out.  I have decided to home-school and the more planning and research I do the more panic creeps into my heart.  What if I wreck my kids? I think I may be on the bottom end of an emotional pendulum and I know my perspective will change with the up swing. In the mean time it helps to just record my feelings and my worries and my anxiety, to stop and recognize that the Lord is in control even when I feel like everything is out of control and nothing is certain and I am supremely unable to do what needs to be done. Even when I feel like I can't, he can. He will enable me to do his will if I just believe that I can because of his power, not my own. There, that makes me feel better to think this all out with my fingers and to acknowledge that I am afraid and I really am not able, but God is able and he has promised never to leave me or forsake me and to give me his strength and Spirit to do what needs to be done.

Up, Down, Up, Down

Yeesh, talk about a bummer post yesterday.  All I could focus on yesterday was my negative feelings.  I felt like I was chained down under their weight with no hope of getting out from under them.  What a yucky feeling, and how horrible for the people around me.  I struggle with keeping my feelings at bay.  When I'm up I'm up, when I'm down, I'm down, and when I'm only half way up.... well actually that pretty much never happens, I'm usually one or the other.  Over the years I've learned that feelings are just feelings and I don't have to let them control my actions or words, but that is easier said than done.  Feelings are such tricksters, whatever feeling I have at the moment seems so real and like it has eternal bearing on my life.  If I'm happy I feel like nothing could ever go wrong ever again, and I feel like I have it all together and like I'll never be sad again.  When I'm down and out I feel like nothing will ever be good in my life again and why even bother to try to see the positive things.  It is a vicious cycle, and actually quite exhausting.  I take vitamins to help combat the peeks and valleys and to try to keep my emotions more hilly and less mountainous.  I try to get enough sleep, but my self discipline really lacks in this area.  I try to read the Word and remember that life isn't just about me and my particular mood.  And last of all, though I should really make this my first defense, I count my blessings.  There are so many that I can't even get to the end of them all before I start to feel better and see my life from a new perspective.  Here are some of the blessings that make me smile each day...

Healthy, Easy Going Kids

Messes Creativity All Around Me

A Close Knit Family

Life Long Friends

Warm Clothes

Yummy Food

A Vibrant Heritage

Countless Luxuries

Unconditional Love

Help and Encouragement From Loved Ones

 

To name just a few.  There I feel better now.

Undone

Laundry
Diapers
Dishes
Meals
Spills & Messes
Affirming words and deeds
Groceries
School projects
Instructions
Walks
Admonishments
Bills
Emails

It's all I do all day long, and now it's undone.

We have been a family of 5 for a month now. Some things are glorious. Some things are difficult. I don't mind admitting that I'm tired, pretty much all the time, I think that's just how it's going to be until the kids grow up for the rest of my life. The coffee cup and I have a little thing going on, ok well actually it's quite serious, we're inseparable really, and honestly when our lips meet there is a lot of hot steamy lovin' going on! Did I mention I'm pretty tired these days? Perhaps I should digress and draw your attention to more wholesome subject matter, like all the things that are glorious about life these days:

• The smell of a tiny baby, all milky and sweet.
• The way my older daughter takes on her sisterly duties with gusto, simply because she can't get enough of this new little person in our lives.
• The way my son will let Kayla grasp his finger when no one seems to be noticing.
• That I am seeing progress in our schooling in just 6 short days (don't get me wrong, we've got a long row to hoe, but still progress in any sense of the word is still glorious).
• We are home, such that it is, it is still home, still our stuff, our friends, our life and I'm glad.
• My husband is renovating our bathroom even as I type this! 
• We have kittens and a mama mouser cat that are sticking around and hopefully eating up the copious amounts of mice on our property.
• Mike got our hot tub refurbished and fired up! Heaven!

 Some things that I'm finding difficult right now are:

• Being tired all the time.  I can't even blame Kayla since I'm only up once a night and then usually she calls for me at a reasonable time in the morning (usually we hang out at 3am ish and 7am ish). She goes right back to sleep and usually I'm free to do the same, except that I really need to get up at 7 so I can get our day on track.  My difficulty stems from the fact that I have a bad habit of staying up until 12am or later, it's the carny in me I guess. All summer we have been rising late (after 9am) and going to bed late (1am ish) so I'm still having trouble getting to bed at a reasonable hour, especially since I like to give Kayla  a dream feed at 11pm ish.  
• Homeschooling.  I thought my kids would enjoy the activities I had in mind, but they have pretty much decided that they don't like school. They have decided this in 6 days.  Matia has gone so far as to say that O Canada is stupid and that she hates the Lord's Prayer. Oh my.  I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.  I'm hoping some object lessons (a paper mache globe) and a trip to the library for some good books will help things a bit.  Other than that we're just going to plug along and by gum and by golly they are going to learn that I'm the boss and they must get with the program and that they are not going to break me! I'm a substitute teacher, they haven't even scratched the surface of what I'm capable of withstanding! Oh ya, it's going to be so fun around here, let me tell you.
• Renovations.  We are redoing our bathroom. We have completely gutted the old one, it was pretty yucky. I am extremely pleased with this project, the only difficulty is that it means we are living in our travel trailer again this fall.  It also means that I have no washer and dryer right now.  I'm not uncomfortable in our travel trailer, and to combat the laundry pile up I went and picked out 7 outfits for each of us and I'm not keeping any more clothing than that in the camper.  Once we run out I need to run to the laundromat or we wear dirty clothes and that is that (or so we shall see). 
• I'm grumpy.  I'm unreasonably grumpy almost all the time.  I pray for God's spirit to grow the fruit of self control in me every day because I just want to bite everyone's head off all the time.  I know some of it is hormones, some is fatigue, some is running out of patience from constant disciplining of preschoolers, some is circumstances outside of my control.  I know I should exercise and get my sleep and my quiet time with the Lord.  Usually I'm getting one out of three. I'll keep on working on it.  Sorry, in advance if I bite your head off.

Over all I'd say the good out weighs the bad. We continue to learn from all of our experiences and we keep on looking forward to our future with optimistic hope.

Walk of Shame

The explosion was unexpected. I didn't really see it coming, though there were warning signs; I didn't pay attention. All was calm and even pleasant. My children and I sailed through the isles of needs and luxuries, picking up this and that and adding it to the bulging cart. We had pleasant banter and some discussion as to what kinds of things we were going to buy and what kinds of things we were not. There was no arguing though, because the kids were well fed, they were well rested (I thought) and they each were clutching their souvenirs (personally chosen sandals, hats and sunglasses). All was well as we reached the dock and began to disembark. My sweet, lovely little girl was getting tired of sitting in the vessel, so I let her out to stretch her legs. That's when she spied the wares. You know the ones, the colorful wrapped candy awaiting every child's impulse. Her first request was already quite strong, determined and forceful. It met with my equally determined, yet patient (I thought) "no, not today, we already have our treats". Without warning or any further progression in the discussion a full out tantrum storm erupted in front of me. The furry of her screams was matched by the whirlwind of her arms as her little fists lashed out at me hitting and scratching out a rhythm of anger. The merchants gave me a sympathetic smile and increased their processing speed. I tried to contain the furry storm in my cart, but then had no place to put my wares. There needed to be a wise response for such disruptive and disrespectful behaviour, I could feel the other patrons lined up behind me demanding it of me through their curious stares. I knew they were wondering just how I was going to handle this gale force. Quietly I asked the merchant to remove the carefully chosen pink hat with rhinestones and the cute purple Marilyn Monroe sunglasses from our pile of wares. I showed my little thunder cloud that the outcome of her tirade would be leaving her precious cargo behind. This did not change the stormy mood, nor calm the seas, but it gave satisfaction to the onlookers. A few "good for you"s, and "I've been there" were cast my way. These comments did not patch my leaky pride, the more sympathetic smiles given to me, the more holes I could feel punched into my self esteem. As I held on to my raging child and tried to comfort my compassionate son who was doing all he could to plead his sister's case with big tears rolling down his cheeks, I pushed my cargo down the walk way. We passed every single merchant port. Throngs of wide eyes following our every move, I leaked. I broke. I ducked my head and tears squeezed out despite my efforts to keep them in check. In the car I got my breath back, wiped the tears, spoke sternly, honestly and lovingly to my children. Tried not to care about "the looks", drove home. My thundercloud floated off into dream land the moment the engine started running, and I smiled at her.

I've been kind of a downer lately as I look back on my posts. It could have to do with the gloom and doom of a bad cold, or the weepy hormones that have me hostage lately, or just the general transitions in life that get me down. Don't know, but today I was thinking some happy thoughts! Thoughts like:

• I like making Nana's buttermilk pancakes with whipped cream and berries for breakfast. It's fun.
• I'm so lucky to have a robin singing first thing in the morning, they sound so much nicer than magpies or crows.
• The sunshine in the morning is beautiful, I'm glad I'm up.
• I don't have to do it all today, just a little bit.

My soundtrack today is Josh Turner's "Everything is Fine"
And so starts my Saturday.
Happy weekend everybody.

Mommy Fail

I have been wishing for years to stay home full time with my kids and be the mommy who does crafts and games and walks and talks. It's going to happen very soon now. My DH is starting a new business and I'll have the pleasure of kissing him good bye in the mornings and welcoming him home with supper and a smile in the evenings. That all sounds fine and dandy, but today in my role as a stay at home mom I yelled, I stomped around, I whined, I criticized, I belittled, I complained and I grumped. Sure I had excuses for my behavior, but the reasons are not justified as I reflect on the character I exhibited and the character I want to instill in my children. I know there will be days like this, but I'm glad that I feel bad about it now that the dust has settled. In fact I felt bad about it the entire time I was behaving that way. Why didn't I stop myself? I should feel bad about it, no matter how easy it is to understand why I would feel the need to exhibit my emotions in such a way. It was still wrong and I have so much to learn. Thank the Lord that he does not treat me the way I treated my children today. I pray that I will learn some of the self control that I am trying to teach my children so that I can set a better example in the coming days, weeks, months and years. I failed today, but I don't want to fail forever. Lord change my heart, change my actions, change my words.

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!!!!!!!

That is what my daughter screamed at me today as I tried to bring her into the house to address some disobedience problems we were having this after noon. Then came the kicking, flailing of arms, hitting and scratching (all received by me, I wasn't preforming the antics as much as I would have liked to). After much DISCUSSION IN ALL CAPITALS, into bed she went with a "sorry mommy" and "will you huggle with me?" I also needed some "HANDS OFF" time, so I'm afraid the huggling didn't happen. Was I wrong to deny this? I didn't just toss her into bed and slam the door. We did make up and said our sorries and I put on a favorite CD for her to fall asleep to, but I was still to angry to "huggle". Imature? Selfish? I don't know, all I know is that I'm knackered after the wrestling/yelling match and I need my own space right now. One hour should do it. So Dade is set up with a computer playing Poisson Rouge near me, but not right beside me. The laundry is humming and I've done my 1 hour home blessing (FLY Lady), there are many things that could still be done.... but I just don't want to right now.

I'm an emotional girl...

I'm an emotional girl
I cain't help myself
Sometimes I laugh, Sometimes I cry
Sometimes I do both and I don't know why.... (Terry Clark)

Sometimes I get pulled over for speeding and I cry my head off in front of a very uncomfortable Peace Officer before heading to school to tell Jr. High students what to do.
If I could have stopped blubbering I certainly would have, but I couldn't. I knew I deserved the ticket, I know better than to speed (but to be honest I thought the speed limit was just a tad higher than it actually was, so I was only going a tad higher than the speed limit in my head, so I wasn't speeding a lot on purpose ~ except it was actually quite a lot because sometimes the world inside my head doesn't match reality...ya know????). Knowing better doesn't seem to stop the tears of remorse, of annoyance, of "what am I going to tell my husband", of embarrassment, of raging pregnancy hormones. Nothing stops tears, until they just stop coming on their own. At least that was my experience this morning.

What I learned from all this is...

• the particular back road short cut I was taking isn't really a short cut because the speed limit is 80KPH.
  
• Crying doesn't get much sympathy with cops (I think it's been done too many times before) though this guy was kind and knocked $50 off my ticket.
  
• I can get to school on time without speeding, if I avoid getting a speeding ticket!
  
• Mistakes happen and then we move on.

I'm so sorry

My dear family,

I will say all of this to you with my words, but I express myself better in type, and I need this here to refer to from time to time (as you know).

I'm so sorry for my dirty rotten selfish ugly attitude toward you today. I didn't mean to be impatient, rude, self seeking, judgmental, irrational and hard hearted. That hysterical woman you were dealing with today, is not the person I want to be. It is not the person God is making me to be, but I slipped up and reverted to my weak self loving flesh today.

Mike I am sorry I didn't speak to you respectfully, and that I didn't consider how lucky I am to have you, a husband who loves me, who desires me and who is home with his family on a cold wintery day. I could have chosen to delight in my role as your helper and friend and lover, yet I turned the cold shoulder and replied with sarcasm and bitterness. I'm so sorry.

Dade, my son, my sensitive boy. You are always aware of other's feelings and you react easily to them. Instead of keeping this in mind and finding ways to show kindness and goodness and patience to you I ignored you this morning and asked you to stay out of my way. Oh how I fret that one day you won't want to be here at home with your family, or want to talk to me about this and that. How can I treat my precious time with you now so trivially? I'm so sorry.

Matia, you trouble maker. You are making every effort to get my attention. The make up will wash off, the water will dry up, the dish water in the pancake batter didn't even change the flavor! All these little things that I get so riled up about mean nothing. But your poor hurt little feelings when I berate you with my sharp words mean everything. You are so precious, and yet I cut you down in an instant with my nasty looks, my tight hand on your arms, and my angry words. I am so sorry.

Oh Lord, how can I do this to the ones I say I love? Why do I struggle so much to show the mercy and grace that you gave me so freely? God, change my heart and my mind and my actions. Forgive me.

Mike, Dade & Matia, please forgive me.

Love
Mom

Anxiety

That yucky worry feeling is creeping back into my heart.
It truly does feel like a worm, crawling and burrowing into my soul. I know it shouldn't be there, I know I need to pull it out. The repulsion I feel causes me to pause and do nothing and dwell on the pain and gore, allowing it to squeeze in further, and damage more.
It's a spiky fat hungry beast with worry prickles on its back that prevents me from sleeping well, or having any notion of sureness. It is ugly, making my stomach turn in revulsion. It is terrrifying, causing me to hide and rendering me incapable of making decisions or acting with any purpose.
It is an intruder and needs to be exterminated, I just need to find the strength and will to grasp onto the sword of truth and take action. I can't do it, I have to call upon my God, my Savior to come and rescue me. He is willing and able... if...I let him.

I'm an anitisocial substitute with new floors

The floor is down. It is so lovely! It feels wonderful not to worry about getting a sliver from OSB, it feels clean, it is even a little bit shiny! It is a start and I'm very happy that we have finally started to turn this trailer into a home. It will still take a lot of work! A LOT! But if all the results are as satisfying as the floor, I think I can handle it.

I'm back to subbing, I was going to wait until Nov, but I was able to round up my paper work and get it in before then, so now I'm working. I think I will be busy because there are a lot of sick kids and teachers these days. I feel bad that someone has to be sick for me to work, I feel better when I cover for someone who has a meeting. I'm just hoping not to get struck down with all the goobers and greeblies that go along with interacting with lot and lots of virus riddled students each day. I'm taking vitamins and washing my hands, and being a little OCD with the hand sanitizer that is abundantly supplied in every public place these days. Wouldn't it be ironic to catch H1N1 from the public hand sanitizer dispenser! HA!

I'm still feeling antisocial, but I'm going out for a girls night tonight. What is unusual for me is that it is an effort. Usually I have no problem moving heaven and earth to go out with the girls, but today I feel like I would easily back out if the slightest issue arises. Weird, I wonder why I'm feeling like this. I have been reading a lot of blogs that talk about unplugging, saying no to unnecessary commitments, making an effort to be at home with the ones we love and to be really present for our kids. So maybe my hibernation mode is a response to the idea that I really don't want to be on the go all the time. I've been a go gettem gal most of my life, but I'm finding that as I stick closer to home, and choose not to make numerous commitments, that I'm falling out of the loop. There are lots of positives about this of course, but the negative that I'm experiencing is a loss of identity, and a feeling that other women wouldn't understand. I guess I worry that I'll be judged by others if I'm not doing as much as they are. I feel bad if my kids aren't involved in all the neat programs that other kids are doing; I worry that I'm not doing enough for them. As much as I worry, I still feel like unplugging and keeping our options open are the best choice for us as a family. This seems right, it just is awkward and different for me, which is probably why I'm feeling different than I usually do. Or it could just be Seasonal Affective Disorder in which case, yes Mom, I'm taking my B12s.

Not Myself

I'm not myself these days it seems to me.
I have no pictures to post, no stories to tell, the thought of socializing with anyone is an exhausting prospect. I just want to sleep for a few days at the very least. Not sure why I've got the doldrums. I guess I'm just not sure. I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life, not sure of my plans, ideas, dreams. Not sure there is any point in having plans, ideas or dreams when they are just changed, up rooted or given a wake up call. I sound quite sad, but really I just feel nothing. This is the key, I just FEEL nothing, it is a feeling. Feelings aren't truth.
The truth is that God has plans for me, and they are plans for me to prosper, not to harm me. He has given me a hope and a future, so regardless of how blah I feel, his truth is more powerful than feelings.
So while I slog through this listless state of feeling, which really is not very like me, I shall hold on to his truth, I shall believe it and think it, say it, dream it, pray it, until my spirit is renewed and my hope is revived, my mind is refreshed and my heart is full of praise. And I shall top it off with a nice big cherry custard ice cream. God is good ALL THE TIME.

Glad Minutes

It's been a while since I've sat down for 10 minutes and just thought of all the things that I'm happy about. Here it goes:

• DH put in a new toilet with dual flush!
• I was given a compliment after school 2 days ago by a coworker.
• It is getting lighter out for longer.
• I no longer drive to and from school in the dark (just to).
• My parents are home from their vacation in Thailand and we get to go see them tonight!
• I got to spend a lot of time with friends and family this week and though I was tired I was not terribly behind or lacking in my work.
• I am learning how to do my job, and it's not too bad most of the time.
• My kids are funny and cute.
• I'm reading a fiction book, just for fun!
• My DH has been taking care of the dishes and the meals.
• Coffee is hot and plentiful at school. It even tastes good.
• I have benefits!
• I got paid!
• The cold snap has ended and when it was cold our vehicle stayed reliable.
• There is outside recess all day today! Yahoo!
• I've lost 12lbs
• I have been encouraged by many very kind students and staff at school, as well as friends and family outside of school.
• I am able to sleep till my alarm now.
• I have internet at home most of the time and can keep in touch with people better.
• I'm healthy.

Taking my attitude in hand.

I read this blog this morning, and was cut to the quick.
Despite knowing that I need to love others more than myself, I truly don't. I love people who show me love, but God says even wicked people do that. I tend to pat myself on the back and say "I'm a good person", but I'm not. I'm a selfish, wicked person. I also am unable to change myself. The only way I can be saved from my selfishness is by God's Holy Spirit living in me. I have been frustrated by my bible readings lately, frowning at the Book and thinking to myself "ya ya, I know I'm a sinner, Ya ya, I know I can only become good through God's saving grace". But this morning I heard a whisper in my ear saying "stop crushing my spirit!" I have been trying to be a good person on my own strength. I've been willing myself to like my students, but not praying for them. I've been throwing pity parties for myself because I don't like certain aspects of my life, but I have not been looking for ways to worship and praise God in any circumstance. I am tired and exhausted, but I have not been resting in the Lord, or meditating on his word. I have been believe the lie that I must do it on my own. I CANNOT! Though my struggles are massively different in some ways from Katie's (afore mentioned blog), they are the same in the struggle to put down my selfishness and be willing to live a life directed by God's spirit. Truthfully, I don't even know how to listen. I'm so accustomed to my whining, complaining flesh making all the decisions and choices. I need to practice, which means I'm going to be falling down quite a bit, which means these next 4 weeks of teaching probably won't be a picnic, but it can be a blessing if I can set myself aside and see the picture God is painting in my life. Surrender...it is so hard, but so necessary. Does it get easier with time and practice?

Another Month

Looks like I'm going to be a grade 6 teacher for another month. This is good, this is good, this is good, this is good! If I say it enough I'll believe it. Right now I'm getting over a small crying jag. I feel too weak to do this, I feel too dumb to do this, I feel too tired to do this, I feel too homesick to do this..... it hurts to stretch myself outside my comfort zone. If I can just step back emotionally a bit I know I am doing my best, that I am succeeding mostly, I am learning constantly, I am blessing and being blessed through this experience. But the emotions keep on washing over me. I cry because I am unsure of myself, because I am tired, because I miss being at home with my kids, because the students I'm supposed to be teaching/helping/caring for/loving are driving me crazy with their typical pre-teen ways. I cry because I should be grateful for this chance to learn, this chance to obey God even when I don't want to, for this chance to serve others, but I'm not grateful...instead I complain and that makes me cry. I cry because there is a pile of papers on my desk with no names on them! of all the things, how can this little niggling stupid problem make me cry! But seriously, I can't figure out who they belong to so someone might have to get a bad mark, even though they did the work! I cry because I can't bring myself to give zeros to struggling students, because it hurts me to see kids who don't want to go outside for recess because they don't have friends to play with, because I don't know how to get a hyper active student to sit down and learn without being a grump. I cry because I DO care, but I don't want to, because it hurts to care. Oh boy am I ever on a non coherant rant! I'm crying like crazy, but you know what?

I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength. I WILL choose to do all things with Love (even through clentched teeth). I will not lean on my own understanding, but in all things I will acknowelge Christ, and He will direct my path. I will not be anxious, but I WILL be thankful and cast my cares upon the Lord, for He cares for me and my rowdy grade sixers AND my babies at home. I will cling to the peace that passes all understanding, and take one day at a time. I will hope for the best & plan for the worst (I don't think that last one is from scripture, it's just good advice from my Dad).

But for now.... I am having a good cry, because I just can't seem to stop. I plan to pull it together and be professional in a few minutes, complete my lesson plan for tomorrow, pack up my marking and go home to my DH and my babies. Just as soon as I find a Kleenex....

I Slept!

Milestone! I have finally slept through the night until my alarm rang on a school night! Glory Be! I feel rested, but still nervous. Oops, I just realized I forgot to take my vitamin B12 this morning. I hope the extra sleep covers for those seretonin building vitamins today. I'm praying that I find out what is going to happen to me (if I'm going to be asked to keep teaching or not) today. It's starting to get difficult to plan for the up coming week, not knowing if I'm going to be here or not. I'm just praying for peace because I'm not sure I will want what is asked of me.
Anyway, it was nice to sleep.

One more week?

Well, I've made it through 2 weeks of teaching grade 6. As far as I know I have 1.5 weeks left. It could be more if the teacher I'm covering for is still not feeling well. I'm TIRED! I would love to sleep for about 3 days! I'm loving that it is Family Day weekend for us and next week will be short. I really can't complain. The first week I was teaching was a short week because the teachers had Institute Day, so I only actually had to teach 2 days. Then the second week was only 3 days of teaching because Teacher's Convention was two days out of that week. So this past week is the only full week I've taught and Friday was a Valentine Luncheon & Skate. Next week is 4 days because of Family day and then who knows after that. I stress a little because I'm still trying to teach the kids all the stuff they have to know with less time than I would like to have. I like having the days off, but it is teaching time taken from me that I don't get back. I just have to pray that the students listen and learn and get it the first or second time, because a third and fourth review is simply not possible.

The students I am teaching are nice for the most part. Some are less than thrilled with me, but no open animosity seems to exist. They are a talkative, loud group; they are also funny, and interesting. I truly am looking forward to reading and marking their weekly journal entries. I get to learn so much about them from their honest and open entries. This week they were to write about their favorite song, what it is about, what the message is, and how it makes them feel. I'm sure it will give me some insight on the reason they are the way they are.

I keep hoping I will start to relax and get into the swing of things. However, I'm still finding it very difficult to shut my mind off and sleep. I have yet to sleep until my alarm which goes off at 6:30am. That is quite extreme for me. Until I started this little teaching project I had a hard time getting up at 8am with 2 little kids jumping on me asking for a snack and a movie! Now I'm finding myself wide awake at 3 am wondering if I should keep so and so in at recess so I can wrangle a mark out of a struggling student or should I just give up and give them a zero, since they obviously can't be bothered to get their assignments in. What happens if I don't finish the angles unit by next Friday? Will I be able to explain characterization AND themes AND plot summaries in 3 days or should I extend the novel study into the following week and shorten the Tall Tales unit?!!! The hours creep by until I mercifully can get up a half hour before my alarm and go to school and shuffle through plans and papers and hope desperately that no one fails because I forgot to teach something!

I know that some people think that I am totally cut out for teaching (by my natural leadership abilities...er...bossiness) but I'm not sure they are right. It doesn't feel like it is getting easier, and I'm terrified that I'll be asked to teach until the end of June!!!!!! I can definitely use the work and the money, but will the cost of the stress be worth it?

On the up side, I'm definitely losing weight! I'm well on course with my goal of losing 3lbs a month until my sister's wedding, AND I got into some pre children pants yesterday and was able to actually wear them somewhere, not just hold my breath and walk around my bedroom!

On the down side, I miss my kids and they miss me. It is nice to be missed, but I feel so distant from my mothering role right now. I feel like I'm missing everything good, and worthwhile. I feel left out of all the important things, like potty training triumphs, funny sayings, new skills learned, and hugs and kisses that should have been mine. I'm jealous for my babies moments. I'm glad it is my DH that is getting to stand in, but I'm still not convinced that I should be giving up those precious seconds to shout over 26 disengaged and disinterested pre teens.

I guess it doesn't matter what I am convinced of, this is something I'm doing for now. Regardless of how I feel, I must do my job as if Jesus was my principal, student and PTA member. I need to count it all joy, and pray through the sleepless hours and stressful moments. I need to be thankful for the moments I have with my little ones and not agonize over the time I'm away. I need to value and love and serve the crazy, hormonal children in my classroom just as I value my own babies. Because that is what Jesus would do, and that is what he will give me strength to do. So I will soak up the rest and fun of this long weekend and prepare my heart to meet the challenges of next week when next week comes.