EM I Growing?

"Measure me Mom!"
"I just measured you last month, how much difference could there be?"
Woah! A lot! How is that possible? I must have measured wrong before!

I moved the crib down a level so that little baby monkey couldn't swing herself up and over.

Dresses from last summer are now refurbished into extra long tank tops with cool leggings underneath.

Little bean is now the size of a lipstick tube, where just weeks ago he or she was the size of  a lentil bean!

Yeesh eveyone's growing.  Am I?  Well, besides the obvious, and I'm really in no rush to grow bigger physically.  I mean am I growing into a better person?  Am I becoming what I was made to be?  When I started blogging it was to be an outlet for me to discover who I EM.  Since then I have reported on many topics, but what about ME?

Well, it's safe to say I'm getting older.  I'm also getting rounder and floppier and creakier and groanier.  I know my worth will never be found in my physical presentation, so the pressure is off a bit there, though it is a bit sad letting go of vanity.  I must be growing because I can wave good bye to firm skin and natural hair coloring, while I breath a prayer of thanksgiving for the healthiness of this saggy bag of bones and the marvels it accomplishes each day in spite of it's less than optimal condition.  What a blessing!

Am I getting wiser? Hmmm, it's hard to say, since most people find that the more they learn, the more they realize how little they know.  In that sense I must be growing to, because I'm pretty sure I have no clue any more! Gone are the days when I had excellent advice to share and a sure cure-all-fix-what's-broken idea to lend out.  Did those days ever really exist?  Right now I'm all about asking advice, seeking wise counsel, reading for revelation, and listening to those who have gone ahead.  My! but I've wasted a lot of time being a knowitall!  Still, I'm happy to find that it's not to late to learn, if I can muster the humility to admit what I don't know and ask.

What about happiness?  Yeesh, another grey area.  The happy that I am right now is so different from the vibrant, ecstatic,bouncy, wild and loud happy that I thought I was after.  The happy that I experience now is more earth toned, enduring, steady, controlled and quiet.  I'm amazed because my happiness now seems truer and longer lasting than when I was younger.  It is less dependent on others and has more to do with the work that Christ is doing in my heart day by day.  I am growing to understand how Paul could actually be content in any circumstance.  I have certainly not arrived, and still find myself becoming discontent over trivial things, but I am growing happier as time passes. How could I not, when I consider the multitude of blessings in my life?

So it seems that growth is taking place.  In the same way that my son sprouts an inch in a month with out me noticing, or my little baby suddenly pulls herself up and is mobile in what seems like a blink of an eye.  My growth is surprising to me, and only noticeable if I stop to measure and pay attention and record the changes.

This is ME and who I EM.

Spring Cleaning

Spring Cleaning is freaking me out a bit.  Every where I look there are organization gurus who can turn my home into a sleek and sparkly haven of peace infused tidy, using nothing but recycled cardboard and wire!  I have a big list of yuck to deal with this spring and I'll be dealing with it in a yard full of muck and guck and bluch!  Most of what I need to do immediately, I can face.

• Clean out the travel trailer and concession. 
• Organize and put away the tools scattered around the house.
• Feed, water, clothe, and pay attention to my lil'uns.
• Repeat last step for DH.

It's the big, procrastinated, Idon'tknowwhattodowiththissoI'lljustleaveithere jobs that I find disheartening. :

• Organize tool shed so the above tools can live somewhere other than my living room
• Sit down and come up with next fall's home school plan
• Catch up on business paper work
• purge toys, clothes, books, stuff that we don't need
• clean up yard

  I have some inside, inside spring cleaning to do also.  My attitude, my actions and my words all need a bit of spit and polish. Tidying up my soul is a much more daunting task than any of my physical responsibilities.  For one thing, will I ever be finished?  Can I take a break and just be the way I am for a while, grumpy attitude, sarcastic words and bumbling efforts included?  Is any one able to help me, I don't really want people to know about all the yuck, but I don't want to live with it any more and I don't think I can remove it all on my own.

I guess a person is never really finished spring cleaning, they just tidy what they can and move on to the next thing and somehow everything looks much better as a result; progress is made.  So I guess I need to focus on a few key areas in my heart to tidy up, and do what I can with what I have and move on. It takes a lot of energy to clean up and I do need to rest once in a while, and I do need help.

I have learned that only one person can really help me clean up my act and that is Jesus.  He loves me just as I am before I clean up. He's the family member who is happy to come over and hang with me whether I've cleaned up or not.  It's me he loves, not what I put on display, so that's why he's the only one I can be totally real with. He will help me face the truth about myself but not so he can show me how much better he is and how unworthy I am.  He wants me to see what is real so that he can give me a make over and show me who I am in his eyes.    He has already loved me through yucky things, like lying, rudeness, selfishness, gossip, slander, rage... and on and on.  .  He is beside me, a permanent guest in my life and has not been put off with my stinky attitude or my filthy "good" deeds that make me swell with putrid pride.  He's like the coach on the show Hoarders, who offers encouragement and a hand to lift me out of  the stink of my own making.  He reminds me that he's there to show me a way out of the yuck, and that he's got a new plan for me that will make me prosper. He just asks me to believe him and to do what he asks, which is love him and love others and don't judge.  After that it's just a little tweaking here and a little tidying there and in time the entire package will begin to look well maintained and deeply loved.

The Best Laid Plans

There's not much that I like more than to stay up late, all alone with my calendars, day timers and schedules.  I love to use all the on-line gadgets to get that euphoric feeling of organization.  It's a feeling folks, remember I think I've noted that feelings aren't the same as reality, but still, I like the feeling! I like to have a hanging calendar with pretty pictures or interesting quotes or funny jokes.  I like to have a purse sized calendar to carry around and write stuff in when I'm waiting in the car for hubby, or when if am asked to participate in a prestigious social function.  When I get the church bulletin or nursery rotation I like to type it into my email dates reminder, pencil it on my wall calendar and jot it down in my purse diary.  Now that I'm homeschooling I'm in my glory ,blocking off weeks for unit studies and color coordinating them with different highlighter colors. Oh yes, I love the FEELING of being organized! 

The trouble is that right after I jot it all down and the organizational high wears off, I am no more organized than I was before.  I'm just reminded, everywhere I look, of what I wasn't organized enough to achieve. I have great intentions, but yeah, that 3 tiered diorama of the Brazilian rain forest is just not going to happen in real life. You see, it requires rounding up items and things and stuff and well, somehow that little activity never gets scheduled into my calendars. I also forget to foresee the unexpected, and my motto in life really should be "Expect the Unexpected".  Though I know things are going to come up to throw my schedule off course,  yetI never leave any lee way on the calendar for that fact.  So there it is, lack of organization and unforeseeable events are my greatest nemesis. 

In keeping with my greatest joy, I PLAN to overcome these little foibles of mine. Just yesterday I blocked off a whole week in February as a catch up week.  I know! Aren't I smart! That, and I found out from the first 4 months of homeschooling that there is no way on earth I'll ever finish everything I'd like to, so maybe it's ok to plan a little more realistically for the next 3 months or so.  Also, I'm only planning specific things 3 in advance.  This gives enough time for me to gather the supplies necessary, but it's not so far in the future that I'll have to revamp the entire year if things go awry, for whatever reason.  See, I'm expecting the unexpected.

Those of you who have been homeschooling for some time, or have been teachers or have had grown up jobs of any kind will be rolling your eyes at me right now and saying, "well duh!".  But for me this is a breakthrough.  I'm learning to face my life as it is, not just as I wish it was.  I'm learning to accept the fact that needing to catch up, take breaks and goof off now and then is normal, and ok, and should be part of the routine.  I'm learning that I'm not a failure if I don't tick everything off the list ( btw, I've never even come close to being able to do this with even a grocery list! I've just felt bad about the inevitable failure pretty much all my life ~ how is it that I'm just coming to grips with reality now?!!!).  I guess what I'm all in a dither about, is that I'm learning to have high expectations for myself and for others, and then the next step is allowing some grace when things don't go as expected.  I've heard it said that way up high is where we set our expectations and way down low is reality and what's left in the middle is disappointment.  I think that is a sad way to look at life, yet accurate as far as my experiences have taught me.  But that disappointment can be changed to blessing when I consider grace as the object lesson of the experience.  To accept failure and learn from it and remember that life is messy and muddled and rarely fits in my calendar boxes and to be ok with it and adapt is such a freeing skill.  One that I plan to hone and refine.  Now let me get a pen and schedule in some honing and refining time!

Ten Years and Still Learning

I've been reflecting on the last ten years, since this summer marks my 10th wedding anniversary. Wondering if I've changed much or learned much in the time that has passed so quickly. I was nearly 23 when I got married and thought I had a good grasp on normal wifely duties, such as: cleaning a house, cooking meals, doing laundry, balancing a budget, spending quality time with my man and being generally all around as helpful and contributing as I could. Some things were a shock for me. How could it be that my husband didn't necessarily like all the same foods my dad liked, or even that I liked, or even that I knew how to make! Getting stains out of shirts and pants and well, any item of clothing really, was impossible and frustrating! Credit cards and dual income and dual spending really throw the budget for a loop! Sometimes I didn't get my own way, and when I stomped and huffed around the house all day (silently of course) the reciprocating response was not "oh baby, you're so lovely and wonderful, how could I have ever done or said any thing to make you up set? I'm so sorry, won't you please forgive me", it was usually a to-bad-so-sad-suck-it-up-princess reply, or no reply at all just a puzzled stare. Yep, those were some of the things that were shocking to me; they were just the tip of the ice berg really. With new jobs, new business ideas, new pets, new homes and new babies the shock factor increased exponentially.

Life is shocking, and I've learned that a person doesn't really get married and settle down. A person gets married then holds on for dear life! It is a thrilling, terrifying, yet sometimes lulling ride and I feel as if my eyes are just now opening to the reality of it all. I'm happy to say that I have learned some things along the way.

• I know now that a roast beef or chicken are easy meals to make, and have a huge impress factor, but they are not a good idea on a 30 degree summer day if there is no AC.
  
• I've learned how to make Granny's perogies and gravy (though I enjoy my mother in laws more).
  
• I try to recognize my part in a conflict, and have come to realize I'm not perfect all the time! There are many factors that influence my moods and not all of them have to do with my husband's words or behavior, so I have to consider these factors before (hopefully) I react.
  
• I try to say sorry as soon as I am sorry, instead of waiting for things to cool off, or settle down, or for him to see my side or even for him to say sorry first.
• I know how to give birth to, feed, change, burp, cuddle and love our children. I'm still wondering about the other things like reasoning with them, disciplining them, getting them to go to bed, and teaching them table manners and work ethic!
• I know that God answers prayer and I can never pray to much for my husband and kids, friends and family.
• I've learned that I needed to learn patience. I've always been described by friends and family as patient and easy going, so I took it for granted that I was. I wasn't. I'm getting there.
• I know how to change a tire now.
• I know how to build a shelter out of drift wood and a boat.
• I know how to dress out a bear.
• I know how air brakes work, or at least I have a certificate that says I know this information.
• I know how to make beef jerky.
• I can describe nearly 100 different flavors of ice cream, and can scoop 6 single cones in one hand.
• I have learned how to wake board.
• I've learned how to surf the internet, blog, down load, google, and email (how shocking is it that I did not know how to do these things when I was 23?)
• I've learned about 10 new recipes in 10 years that I know my husband likes. He still wonders why I insist on making stuff he doesn't like, but it's getting better I think.
• I've gained an appreciation for Metalica! ha ha not sure if this is good for me or not!

There are many things that I will be working on for the rest of my life. I wish I was wiser, handier, tidier, kinder, better in so many ways. Some of the things I still struggle with are:

• House work
• organizing
• Stain removal
• Ironing
• cooking with out substituting
• accepting criticism with grace
• believing in my own self worth
• being respectful
  
• Praying
• Hemming
• Patching
• Sewing of any kind!
• Time management
  
• Not procrastinating

There are many others but let's focus on the positive, shall we?

I guess after thinking about it for a time, I'm finding that I'm becoming comfortable with my life. There will always be things to learn, changes to adjust to, surprises to reel from, disappointments to recover from. I think I'm learning to zoom in on what is important, though I still get caught up in the trivial from time to time. It will be interesting to look back in 10 more years to see what I will have learned. Right now I'm off to try my hand at hemming a pair of pants! I think I'll google it first!

Week in Review

I feel like this has been a long week. I'm tired and I could easily sleep for days, but every one else in my house hold forbids it! I subbed every day this week. After having only 2.5 days of subbing in February the 10.5 I'm getting in March will come in very handy when pay day rolls around. It is worth it, but I find it hard to balance my duties at home, especially when all I want to do is go to bed as soon as I get home from school. So I signed back up with Fly Lady and so far I've managed to.... read her daily emails and delete them! HA!

We have a few small things going on around here that keep life interesting and entertaining.

On the interesting side of life Dade and Matia have each planted a pan full of Giant Imperial Stock seeds (flowers) and are anxiously awaiting any sign of growth. If our best laid plans do not go astray this summer, we might actually be around home long enough to grow some edible stuff. Just like the seeds, we will have to wait and see. In the mean time I'm reading up on gardening with high hopes.

In the entertaining realm:

• last night we heard someone sneaking around in the dark. Mike got up to investigate and found Matia smuggling goods from the fridge into her bed. What treasures did she have you might ask? A 2L bottle of Orangina, and a 2lb carton of fresh strawberries! Imagine the mess if we had not heard her! Oh la la! That girl keeps me on my toes!
• Last week after church Dade told me I was beautiful (as he often does, Isn't he great!). I told him thank you and said how nice he is to girls, he said very seriously, "yes, I'm nice to girls, but sometimes I tell them the truth." !!!!!!

On the baby front here's a little snippet from a post I responded to about feeling ugly when pregnant:

I stopped by the local library and found a cute and funny and up beat book that actually gave me a place to start to make myself feel pretty in some areas of my appearance if not all. It's called Frumpy to Foxy in 15 minutes Flat, by Elycia Rubin & Rita Mauceri. I found out I have some frump to deal with (shocking I know!), but I also have some Foxy hanging out in my little style world (oh yes I do!!!!) Things like: I have cute shoes, so there! I have one pair of boot cut maternity jeans that aren't holey and don't have the belt loops broken from constantly pulling them up; they look great with my knee high boots (which I spent a small fortune on and have vowed to wear as often as possible, tottery though I am). I have a huge cache of skin product samples that my gorgeous esthetician sister keeps sending my way, that I keep saving for a time when I really need it (crickets chirping, doe eyed blinking). I guess now's the time if ever there was a time duh!! Anyway this little, slightly out dated book (copyright 2005) has given me a lift this month, we'll see if it carries me the distance. Watch out world I'm one Foxy Mama!!!

As far as books and book reviews go, I've been reading a bit of childrens literature because I keep getting hooked on the book studies I have to go over with students when I'm subbing for Language Arts or English classes. I start reading them in class, but I NEVER get to finish the book and I'm constantly wondering what is going to happen next! I'm currently reading The BFG


by Roald Dahl who I always thought was actually Ronald, but now that I look closely to make sure I'm typing his name right I find that I don't know as much as I thought! Story of my life. Before the BFG was Star Girl by Jerry Spinelli.

I loved Star Girl as did the kids in the story, for a time. Unlike the characters in the book, it's my privilege as a reader to never stop liking Star Girl no matter how quirky she gets. It's easy for me to look down my nose at the narrator who is caught in an awkward position of most teenagers; to hang with the crowd or to stand out from the crowd. Yet it took me back to by gone days and reminded me of moments that flicked through my life where I wish I had been brave enough to hang out with my quirky, beautiful, funny, smart friend (or even be that quirky, beautify, funny, smart person) instead of sitting in the hall at lunch with the rest of the "gang" being coolly apathetic about just about everything. This story, about a girl who notices others and is so in tune with her own self that her style and habits are unconscious, challenges me as an adult to pay more attention to the details. What would it take to go the extra mile, or even just drop some loose change now and then for the sheer delight of some little kid who will pick it up in wonder like it's gold or something.
I've read Spinelli's Maniac Magee also, and it too challenges readers of all ages to rise above the norm and to be better than anyone expects. Spinelli uses his characters to present what real life is like, and how much better it could be. One awkward, shy, blend in with the crowd hero examining, befriending and falling for one odd ball, ukulele strumming, bunny hopping heroine represent the difference between who a person is, and who they choose to be.


With those deep thoughts, I'm off to spend the weekend shopping with my mom, play grounding (in doors it's still to wintery for me) with the kids, reading about fashion and gardening, teaching Sunday school and trying to FLY in spite of the CHAOS around me.

God is great, Life is good, People are crazy!

Ba Humbled!

Well, after my rant yesterday I came across this, and this.
To say the least I felt terrible about the perspective I allowed myself to take in regard to baking cookies with my kids, decorating my home, and even the weather.
I have so much to be thankful for. I read some where recently if we all tossed our troubles into a pile, we'd be quick to take back our own. I shouldn't complain about messes, when my children are healthy and whole. I shouldn't complain about broken decorations when I have the abundance to buy fragile little doo dads. I shouldn't complain about the cold weather when I have a warm home, warm clothes and reliable heated transportation. So what if ski pants get wet, I have a washing machine and dryer. It's a cinch, it's a snap, it means serving others without grumping - that is the hard part.
I don't know where the idea came from that I'm entitled to a perfect, magazine Christmas with out having to lift a finger to create that ideal atmosphere and cozy memories. I need to be thankful for the work involved because it is humbling. It stops me from worshiping the traditions and helps me to call on the strength of the Lord. He was and is the best example of a humble servant, whose 1st Christmas was anything but Hallmark! Without him and his humble life and death there would be no traditions to celebrate, no reason for the season as they say.

Ba Humbug!

Ya, so I've been surfing bloggy land too much recently it seems. I got the bright idea that it would be fun to make cookies with my preschoolers. Ya, not so much. Throughout the whole time of "joyful memory making" I could hear myself harping, "don't touch, not yet, just wait, fold your hands, hey! You're not listening! No snitching! DON'T TOUCH!!!!!!" I'm sure it was as sentimental for them as it was for me! sigh. What a great memory for them to keep, I'm sure they can't wait until next year... What Christmas joy and bliss! Bah Humbug

What's with all the crafty crafters lately? How do they have obscure items like googly eyes on hand just when they need them? It takes me 20 minutes to pick a craft to try to do with my kids, 10 more minutes to assemble the supplies, 10 more minutes to substitute for the missing supplies, another 10 minutes to wrap the kids up in paint/glue/sparkle resistant coverings and then KABLAM 5 seconds and they are done, there is a huge mess and they are touching every loving thing they can on the way to the washroom the clean up!! BAH HUMBUG!!

I won't even start on my tree... well ok, I will since I'm on the rant train! It is the leaning tower of broken ornaments right now. We still have 9 days to go!! The one thing I love about it is my tree skirt. I am able to sweep all kinds of shards and debris under it for the time being! When did my children turn into feral squirrels with an appetite for Christmas ornaments? Nuts!!! BAH HUMBUG!!

It's so nice to read about all the people who have done their Christmas shopping in July, so right now they are hand stamping delicate Japanese rice paper to wrap perfectly around their exquisite one of a kind perfect for the person they bought it for gifts!!! NOT! Where are all the procrastinators like me? Oh I know, they are putting off blogging about their last minute shopping, well that does make me feel a little better! Ha! I beat them to it! BA HUMBUG!

How about this delightful weather we're having? @!#%$!!! BA chatter chatter HUMBUG!!

Yes I'm really into the Christmas spirit this year, as you can tell. Actually, it's not as bad as it sounds, mostly I just have to laugh at the frantic perfectionism that this season brings out in me. I'm a reluctant perfectionist, so if I can't do it the way I think it should be done, I don't do it and look for lots of excuses to blame someone else. What I do need to do is stop and consider what is really important, not just at Christmas, but all year round.

• Jesus came to live & die in this frantic place, to give us peace, joy, love, hope and faith in an eternity of those things with him as our Lord and Savior.
  
• Stuff is just stuff, people are the real gifts. When I stop focusing on the stuff I am able to give of myself and receive blessings from others.
• There is no such thing as perfect, doing little things, even imperfectly still blesses the ones I love.

Ah that is better to refocus and set my sights on a more positive attitude.....

Gah! I have to go and help my daughter out of the ski pants that she just announced that she peed in!!!!!!BA HUMBUG!!!!

Gentleness Training - Week 1

I started a gentleness challenge this week. When I first read about the idea I thought it was something I could easily be successful at. After all, I've always been described by my friends and family as a nice person, easy going, calm, and kind. I've since found out that these people who love me might be a bit biased in their descriptions. I have a quick temper and bitterness seethes close to the surface often. The ones that live with me will tell you that I am not always gentle. My words can be quite sharp, bringing forth hot tears (mine and theirs). My fingers press just a bit too tightly into soft skin as I try to convince a body to do my bidding. Most of all, my facial expressions and body language speak loudly of the thoughts I might not say. My rolling eyes and audible huffy sigh brutally defeat a daughter seeking comfort, a husband looking for warmth, a son seeking approval.

No I am not a gentlewoman... but I want to be.

The only comfort I have regarding my lack of self control is that I am terribly ashamed of it. The fact that I want to change is what I cling to and what I plead for. The Lord is working in my heart and showing me the wickedness in me, just as I asked him to. Thank you God! What an painful, hope-giving answer to prayer. I have heard of parents praying that their children would be caught if they were involved in sin, so that they could be corrected and reinstated. In the same way I need God to shine his light on the dark ugliness in my soul, so it can be routed out and I can be renewed.

The challenge to be gentle has shone a spotlight on an area in my heart that I didn't realize needed to be cleansed.

I have failed this week many times. It is painful to become aware of my hurtfulness while I am in the very act, but it is also a clean feeling to ask forgiveness and to change the course of my behavior as it unfolds. It's kind of like antiseptic cleansing a wound; ouch, but ahhh!

I have succeeded many times also. It is satisfying to lower my voice and see my children respond to my command any way. Forcefulness is not necessary, it is just my habit. It is heart warming to chose to hold my babies, instead of nag them about every mess I pass in a day.

Very slowly I am learning to choose gentleness, and let go of the tight controlling grip I default to. What freedom! How much more will I find as that grip lessens all the more? I can't wait to find out.

I'm so sorry

My dear family,

I will say all of this to you with my words, but I express myself better in type, and I need this here to refer to from time to time (as you know).

I'm so sorry for my dirty rotten selfish ugly attitude toward you today. I didn't mean to be impatient, rude, self seeking, judgmental, irrational and hard hearted. That hysterical woman you were dealing with today, is not the person I want to be. It is not the person God is making me to be, but I slipped up and reverted to my weak self loving flesh today.

Mike I am sorry I didn't speak to you respectfully, and that I didn't consider how lucky I am to have you, a husband who loves me, who desires me and who is home with his family on a cold wintery day. I could have chosen to delight in my role as your helper and friend and lover, yet I turned the cold shoulder and replied with sarcasm and bitterness. I'm so sorry.

Dade, my son, my sensitive boy. You are always aware of other's feelings and you react easily to them. Instead of keeping this in mind and finding ways to show kindness and goodness and patience to you I ignored you this morning and asked you to stay out of my way. Oh how I fret that one day you won't want to be here at home with your family, or want to talk to me about this and that. How can I treat my precious time with you now so trivially? I'm so sorry.

Matia, you trouble maker. You are making every effort to get my attention. The make up will wash off, the water will dry up, the dish water in the pancake batter didn't even change the flavor! All these little things that I get so riled up about mean nothing. But your poor hurt little feelings when I berate you with my sharp words mean everything. You are so precious, and yet I cut you down in an instant with my nasty looks, my tight hand on your arms, and my angry words. I am so sorry.

Oh Lord, how can I do this to the ones I say I love? Why do I struggle so much to show the mercy and grace that you gave me so freely? God, change my heart and my mind and my actions. Forgive me.

Mike, Dade & Matia, please forgive me.

Love
Mom

Anxiety

That yucky worry feeling is creeping back into my heart.
It truly does feel like a worm, crawling and burrowing into my soul. I know it shouldn't be there, I know I need to pull it out. The repulsion I feel causes me to pause and do nothing and dwell on the pain and gore, allowing it to squeeze in further, and damage more.
It's a spiky fat hungry beast with worry prickles on its back that prevents me from sleeping well, or having any notion of sureness. It is ugly, making my stomach turn in revulsion. It is terrrifying, causing me to hide and rendering me incapable of making decisions or acting with any purpose.
It is an intruder and needs to be exterminated, I just need to find the strength and will to grasp onto the sword of truth and take action. I can't do it, I have to call upon my God, my Savior to come and rescue me. He is willing and able... if...I let him.

Willing to clean up a mess.

Last night we were visiting my sister in law and family. My kids were playing down stairs and had been having a wonderful time, judging from the duplo blocks scattered over the entire floor. I asked my son to pick up the toys and playfully added, "before Uncle Trevor sees this mess!" I was just kidding, but you should have seen him work in double time, and he cleaned everything up with no complaint! I was a bit flabbergasted, because not even hours earlier I had made a similar request of him regarding his own blocks in his own room. Even after repeated requests and even an offer to help nothing was where it should be. How frustrating. I shook it off thinking he just needs some help, so I ended up doing most of the work and nagging him the entire time (hmmm this makes me think of the Bernstein Bears and the Messy Room). It should be mentioned here that Dade is not afraid of Uncle Trevor, he was not scared of any terrible repercussions if Trevor caught him in his mess. Dade loves Uncle Trevor and respects him and did not want to leave a mess in his living room.

This whole story got me thinking about my heart. I have some pretty big messes in there, and at times I go to town making new ones. I often hear/feel the promptings of the Holy Spirit to get things cleaned up. God's spirit prompts me to open up to some one, or be silent other times, or get on my knees and pray, or sing a song of praise, but I often ignore the promptings and wallow in my messy heart. I dwell on past hurts, I rehash arguments thinking about what I should have said, or what I'll say next time, I gloat about good combacks, or cry about unfair situations. It is often not until I read about the people in the Old Testament and consider who God my Father really is that I am able to get past my spiritual childishness and stubbornness, and start getting things cleaned up! I want my heart to be clean and inviting for my Lord and Savior to dwell in. I know that he accepts me and loves me as I am, and it is only by his power that my heart can be spotless. I want to show respect and love to him because he is so good to me, and that is an amazing motivator for me to examine my heart and ask God to show me if there is any wicked way in me. I often don't want to be sensitive to the prompting of God's Spirit in me because it takes time and effort, but when I think about my mighty, all powerful, all knowing, God who is worthy to be praised I realize it is worth the effort and takes less time than wallowing in my mess.

I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose

He said to me, "you are my servant, Israel, and you will bring me glory."
I replied, "but my work seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose. Yet I leave it all in the Lord's hand; I will trust God for my reward.
Isaiah 49:3

Looking around my house today, you'd never know that I have spent the greater part of my week cleaning up, organizing, putting away, washing, cooking, filling, emptying, shuffling, purging...
Days like this make me wonder what on earth is the point!?
I guess the point is not on earth. This is where things just go on getting messy, breaking and emptying, or (in the case of my garbage can) overflowing with filth. For some deluded reason this always seems to come as a surprise to me. Like I think that if I vacuum the rug it will stay clean, but I have lived in this world long enough to know that even if it was just me living here and I never ever stood on the carpet or ate near it, it would still get dusty and dirty at some point. So why do I get so boiling mad when my 2 year old spills milk on something, or when I have to pick stuff up over and over and over and over? I'm learning that it is idolatry. I worship big clean houses that will be old some day, shiny new cars that will break down some day and pretty shoes and clothes that I will stain, rip or not fit in a year, in place of the God who makes all things new. How crazy is that?! The biggest problem is that it is unintentional. I don't even know I'm doing it until this angry feeling inside me wells up and wants to explode at the sight of a messy room, an unfinished house and yard or a broken down car in my driveway. I get angry because I have been defining myself with my belongings, instead of defining myself as a servant of God's. I need to be intentional about obeying and worshiping God, and then leave the rest in his hands. Whatever he sees fit to do with my work, my belongings, my time and my money will be good if I am walking in obedience to him. I can leave it in his hands and trust God with my reward.

Solutions

Thanks to all of you who have commented and helped to put my mind at ease regarding my hair scare. I'm still just a tad worried, but there is nothing I can do about it (thanks annonymous, I won't try the vaseline trick, it is good to learn from other people's experiences! I'm also glad you're not bald). So my solution is this:I think I will start looking for those wide head bands too. I hope the hat and head bands don't contribute to the problem. Regardless I love this cute hat so much I'd wear it even if my hair wasn't falling out!

Some other solutions that have been mulling around under my hat are:

1. I need to destress. Exercise is a great way to get endorphins flowing and encourage seratonin production (happy hormones) so I thought I'd give this a try.*
2. On the bed time routine issues I am choosing to let Mike put the kids to bed as often as possible! This means I scoop ice cream late into the evening, but hey that's ok with me! As soon as I get my hands on some stickers and blank paper I will try a checklist routine. It will help me keep on track at bed time as much as the kids.
   

There is one more thing that I'm considering. I'm still too wussy to commit, but this seems like a good thing, though I know it will not be an easy thing, and I'm afraid I'll cop out and feel worse than if I'd never tried. Still thinking, but really, I know I need to do this.

*K so, I did the initial tests for sit ups, squats and pushups. I'm on week 3 for squats and sit ups, but I'm on level 2 Week one for pushups. I'm not bragging that's for sure! Just keeping track.
Also, I joined twitter and will be studying Prayer, the Great Adventure by David Jerimiah with the 5:16 Gals. Wish me luck.

T.G.

I'm feeling a bit cynical, hopeless & thankless today. Could be the weather, it's definitely my attitude. I just feel like sighing and complaining all day long!!!!! What I really need to do is adjust my attitude... again. So I'm going to take 10 minute and think of things to be thankful for, like I try to do every week, and see if it helps. Here it goes...

Thanks God

• for giving me endless last chances.
• for the choice to change.
• for your spirit alive in me giving me the desire to glorify you, even when my flesh doesn't feel like it.
• for cards and words and looks and nodding heads and listening ears of encouragers all around me.
• for the fading of feelings. I won't always feel this way, it won't always be work to choose joy.
• for the experience that allows me to be compassionate and understanding when I come across someone else with the same struggles.
• for being here, with me, through it all.
• for caffeine and carbs.
• for music to cheer me up.
• for work that MUST be done to help me shift my attention from my little pity party to the necessities of living.
• for cute kids that melt my heart.
• for a husband who has high expectations for me because he knows I am capable, and he appreciates my help.
• for a warm shower and a soft bed at to look forward to when my days struggles are done.

Well, not exactly a 180, but I guess I found a turning point. Now off I go to be as productive as I can, with the energy I've got.

How am I FLYing today?

I'm trying to let go. I often equate my value as a person with the cleanliness of my home and the number of checks off my to do list. So jf any one has seen my home or my to do list lately, you'll know that I'm not thinking of myself as very valuable right now. I get angry and frustrated with my family & students because I want to blame them for not valuing me. In truth it is I who am making myself feel worthless. I have to let go of my expectations. It's easier said than done. If I am trying to do my best, that is all I can do. I can let go of the things that don't get done today, until tomorrow when I can attempt to do my best again. I need to simply work with what I've got, when I've got it. The trouble comes when I don't try my best, when I know I'm procrastinating, or avoiding an unpleasant duty. I get a yucky feeling, and I get angry and I look for someone to blame.

Is it truly possible to do your best all the time? So far I have been unable to maintain that standard every day. Is it acceptable to accept the idea that giving 50% now and then is ok? It seems to be an irresponsible idea, yet the desire to just drop a few things tempts me. I have dropped house cleaning many times in favor of reading a book or doing something fun with friends and family. I've chosen not to mark a stack of redundant sentences in favor of a few more hours of sleep. I've skipped the nightly snuggle and back scratch,when putting the kids to bed, in favor of a few minutes of blogging. Where is the line? What is acceptable to drop and what must be cradled with the utmost care? Where does my duty end and my off time begin? How can I be a servant of all, all the time?

I don't want to give up altogether. It is good to serve, it is good to be challenged, it is good to work hard. I guess what I'm grappling with is, am I doing enough to justify taking a break? Or am I being lazy and selfish when I pass by something I should do, in favor of something I want to do?

As with everything, I need to find a balance. Do a little here, do a little more there, take a break, have a drink of water, put my feet up, then get back at it. I love FLY Lady's saying, "house work even done incorrectly still blesses your family." That is a great motivator. I want to bless my family, and I don't have to be perfect to do it. If all chores can't be done, at least some chores can. It's ok to put my feet up now and then, but not ok to just quit altogether. Her baby steps mantra helps me keep going and doing the repetitive mundane thankless chores knowing that I can take a break when I need to.

So now that I've had a great little blog session, I'm off to clean up my kitchen. Then I plan to put my dear ones to bed and curl up with a good book.

Making My Home a Haven Monday

Ok, well the challenge this week is to set a good bed time for myself so that I am properly rested and hopefully not grumpy.
It's going to be tough, but I think I'm going to aim for 11pm. That is I'm putting down my book at 11pm, not climbing into bed to have a good read-a-thon into the wee hours. It is so difficult to have self control! We'll see how it goes.
My morning routine went ok, this morning. I was surprised to find the hardest part of my routine is praying. I was getting so distracted by other thoughts. My prayer life is so weak, maybe that is why my faith is kind of bipolar! Hmm, something to think about and to work on.
I hope the kids liked my cartoon notes on their breakfast this morning. I wish I could have been there to see them. At least they know I was thinking of them.

Making my home a Haven? My Home?

Well I came across something that may help me in the area of apathy towards my home. We shall see if this challenge helps get me in a better frame of mind. The thing is, I'm going to have to modify slightly, since I'm at work all day and I think this is a site for SAHMs and Homeschoolers. Worth a try I say. This is the first week's challenge.
So, morning routines huh?
Well usually I get up at 6:30, get into the clothes I laid out the night before, turn up our furnace so the noise masks my sounds and prevents me from waking up the kids. Brush teeth & hair, put on make up and then leave home around 6:45am. When I arrive at school I have an instant oatmeal and a cup of coffee then I check my plans for the day and do photocopying. So what should I add or take away from my mornings to make my home a haven? Here are some of the ideas I will try:

1. Leave "I Love You" notes for my DH & kids
2. Set out breakfast so it's ready when everyone else gets up.
   
3. Feed the dog on my way out so DH doesn't have to later.
4. Spend time on the way to work praying for our days

Can't quite think of 5, any suggestions are welcome. Here it goes...

Shallow

I'm feeling shallow today.
I'm not motivated to do anything, though I know there is always much to do.
That centrifugal force of selfishness pins me to my chair. I don't serve, I don't pray, I don't praise, I don't reach out. I just sit back and allow the waves of apathy wash over me.
From something as small as knowing I should use my time wisely to accomplish all my daily tasks, to knowing I need to submit my will again and again to my God and King. I do neither. I know I can do, be and go, yet I don't, am not and stay! I don't want my life to be wrecked by any "outrageous" obedience. I don't want to give up my comforts to be blessed immeasurably by my heavenly father who created me and has a plan for me to prosper!
I don't want to be judged. I just want to squeak by.
What is wrong with me!!!!!
How do I overcome?
I'm immature, ignorant and in denial. I don't really want to search my heart or be shown the wicked ways in me. So I curl in on the wickedness and try to hide it or excuse it.
I don't think my life reflects what I say I believe. The only thing I can be glad about is, that gives me a terribly uncomfortable feeling! That discomfort gives me hope.
I think I've mentioned before, my aversion to growing, stretching, and learning. I hate the uncomfortable feelings it brings. I hate feeling like I don't know what is happening, or what is going to happen. My inflated ego thinks I can predict and control the future, what a joke! What a lie! I have moments where I can glimpse the comfort of uncertainty; where letting go of trying to be in control releases me to be, do and go where I might not have otherwise. Those are good terrible (not terribly good) moments.
I suppose in a way I can be thankful for this evening of wasted time, since it has caused me some discomfort and soul searching. Though I had no desire tonight to face my shallowness, acknowledging that apathy has caused me to dig a little deeper, inspired me to look a little closer, and challenged me to keep casting off the selfishness that is holding me captive.

Glad Minutes

It's been a while since I've sat down for 10 minutes and just thought of all the things that I'm happy about. Here it goes:

• DH put in a new toilet with dual flush!
• I was given a compliment after school 2 days ago by a coworker.
• It is getting lighter out for longer.
• I no longer drive to and from school in the dark (just to).
• My parents are home from their vacation in Thailand and we get to go see them tonight!
• I got to spend a lot of time with friends and family this week and though I was tired I was not terribly behind or lacking in my work.
• I am learning how to do my job, and it's not too bad most of the time.
• My kids are funny and cute.
• I'm reading a fiction book, just for fun!
• My DH has been taking care of the dishes and the meals.
• Coffee is hot and plentiful at school. It even tastes good.
• I have benefits!
• I got paid!
• The cold snap has ended and when it was cold our vehicle stayed reliable.
• There is outside recess all day today! Yahoo!
• I've lost 12lbs
• I have been encouraged by many very kind students and staff at school, as well as friends and family outside of school.
• I am able to sleep till my alarm now.
• I have internet at home most of the time and can keep in touch with people better.
• I'm healthy.

I'm an ESFJ

Extravert, Sensor, Feeler, Judger (ESFJ)
ESFJs represent between 9 and 13% of the U.S. population

ESFJs are friendly and talkative "people" people. Sympathetic, gracious and conscientious, ESFJs are very concerned with the needs of others and eager to help in real and practical ways. Responsible, literal, and organized, ESFJs are bound by their sense of duty and commitment, and enjoy being active and cooperative members of committees and organizations. Highly sensitive to indifference, criticism or conflict, ESFJs are generally quite decisive and like to have things settled. They need harmonious relationships with others and work hard to achieve and maintain them. In fact, they often idealize whatever or whomever they admire. ESFJs often go out of their way to do something helpful and nice for others and especially enjoy being responsive in times of trouble or great celebration.

Click on the title to find out what you are.