EM I Growing?

"Measure me Mom!"
"I just measured you last month, how much difference could there be?"
Woah! A lot! How is that possible? I must have measured wrong before!

I moved the crib down a level so that little baby monkey couldn't swing herself up and over.

Dresses from last summer are now refurbished into extra long tank tops with cool leggings underneath.

Little bean is now the size of a lipstick tube, where just weeks ago he or she was the size of  a lentil bean!

Yeesh eveyone's growing.  Am I?  Well, besides the obvious, and I'm really in no rush to grow bigger physically.  I mean am I growing into a better person?  Am I becoming what I was made to be?  When I started blogging it was to be an outlet for me to discover who I EM.  Since then I have reported on many topics, but what about ME?

Well, it's safe to say I'm getting older.  I'm also getting rounder and floppier and creakier and groanier.  I know my worth will never be found in my physical presentation, so the pressure is off a bit there, though it is a bit sad letting go of vanity.  I must be growing because I can wave good bye to firm skin and natural hair coloring, while I breath a prayer of thanksgiving for the healthiness of this saggy bag of bones and the marvels it accomplishes each day in spite of it's less than optimal condition.  What a blessing!

Am I getting wiser? Hmmm, it's hard to say, since most people find that the more they learn, the more they realize how little they know.  In that sense I must be growing to, because I'm pretty sure I have no clue any more! Gone are the days when I had excellent advice to share and a sure cure-all-fix-what's-broken idea to lend out.  Did those days ever really exist?  Right now I'm all about asking advice, seeking wise counsel, reading for revelation, and listening to those who have gone ahead.  My! but I've wasted a lot of time being a knowitall!  Still, I'm happy to find that it's not to late to learn, if I can muster the humility to admit what I don't know and ask.

What about happiness?  Yeesh, another grey area.  The happy that I am right now is so different from the vibrant, ecstatic,bouncy, wild and loud happy that I thought I was after.  The happy that I experience now is more earth toned, enduring, steady, controlled and quiet.  I'm amazed because my happiness now seems truer and longer lasting than when I was younger.  It is less dependent on others and has more to do with the work that Christ is doing in my heart day by day.  I am growing to understand how Paul could actually be content in any circumstance.  I have certainly not arrived, and still find myself becoming discontent over trivial things, but I am growing happier as time passes. How could I not, when I consider the multitude of blessings in my life?

So it seems that growth is taking place.  In the same way that my son sprouts an inch in a month with out me noticing, or my little baby suddenly pulls herself up and is mobile in what seems like a blink of an eye.  My growth is surprising to me, and only noticeable if I stop to measure and pay attention and record the changes.

This is ME and who I EM.

Spring Cleaning

Spring Cleaning is freaking me out a bit.  Every where I look there are organization gurus who can turn my home into a sleek and sparkly haven of peace infused tidy, using nothing but recycled cardboard and wire!  I have a big list of yuck to deal with this spring and I'll be dealing with it in a yard full of muck and guck and bluch!  Most of what I need to do immediately, I can face.

• Clean out the travel trailer and concession. 
• Organize and put away the tools scattered around the house.
• Feed, water, clothe, and pay attention to my lil'uns.
• Repeat last step for DH.

It's the big, procrastinated, Idon'tknowwhattodowiththissoI'lljustleaveithere jobs that I find disheartening. :

• Organize tool shed so the above tools can live somewhere other than my living room
• Sit down and come up with next fall's home school plan
• Catch up on business paper work
• purge toys, clothes, books, stuff that we don't need
• clean up yard

  I have some inside, inside spring cleaning to do also.  My attitude, my actions and my words all need a bit of spit and polish. Tidying up my soul is a much more daunting task than any of my physical responsibilities.  For one thing, will I ever be finished?  Can I take a break and just be the way I am for a while, grumpy attitude, sarcastic words and bumbling efforts included?  Is any one able to help me, I don't really want people to know about all the yuck, but I don't want to live with it any more and I don't think I can remove it all on my own.

I guess a person is never really finished spring cleaning, they just tidy what they can and move on to the next thing and somehow everything looks much better as a result; progress is made.  So I guess I need to focus on a few key areas in my heart to tidy up, and do what I can with what I have and move on. It takes a lot of energy to clean up and I do need to rest once in a while, and I do need help.

I have learned that only one person can really help me clean up my act and that is Jesus.  He loves me just as I am before I clean up. He's the family member who is happy to come over and hang with me whether I've cleaned up or not.  It's me he loves, not what I put on display, so that's why he's the only one I can be totally real with. He will help me face the truth about myself but not so he can show me how much better he is and how unworthy I am.  He wants me to see what is real so that he can give me a make over and show me who I am in his eyes.    He has already loved me through yucky things, like lying, rudeness, selfishness, gossip, slander, rage... and on and on.  .  He is beside me, a permanent guest in my life and has not been put off with my stinky attitude or my filthy "good" deeds that make me swell with putrid pride.  He's like the coach on the show Hoarders, who offers encouragement and a hand to lift me out of  the stink of my own making.  He reminds me that he's there to show me a way out of the yuck, and that he's got a new plan for me that will make me prosper. He just asks me to believe him and to do what he asks, which is love him and love others and don't judge.  After that it's just a little tweaking here and a little tidying there and in time the entire package will begin to look well maintained and deeply loved.

Half a Year,,,Time Flies

Birth Day

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wrapped around her fingers

Cozy

Play Date at the Park

Super Kayla!

Halloween

The All Knowing Look

Smiles for Daddy

Whoa! I'm surrounded by little plastic people! I must be a giant!

Laying Around

Those little plastic people are staring at me again!

Taking it easy

Sweet Slumber

The start of what could be a bad habit

Someone to lean on

Smilie

Lounging

Hangin' in there

ooooo toys!

Getting ready for big things to come

Tummy Time with friends

Toes!

Tongue!

Sitting Pretty

Toy Inspector

and taster

blowing bubbles!

playing!

Helping clean the dishes

The Best Laid Plans

There's not much that I like more than to stay up late, all alone with my calendars, day timers and schedules.  I love to use all the on-line gadgets to get that euphoric feeling of organization.  It's a feeling folks, remember I think I've noted that feelings aren't the same as reality, but still, I like the feeling! I like to have a hanging calendar with pretty pictures or interesting quotes or funny jokes.  I like to have a purse sized calendar to carry around and write stuff in when I'm waiting in the car for hubby, or when if am asked to participate in a prestigious social function.  When I get the church bulletin or nursery rotation I like to type it into my email dates reminder, pencil it on my wall calendar and jot it down in my purse diary.  Now that I'm homeschooling I'm in my glory ,blocking off weeks for unit studies and color coordinating them with different highlighter colors. Oh yes, I love the FEELING of being organized! 

The trouble is that right after I jot it all down and the organizational high wears off, I am no more organized than I was before.  I'm just reminded, everywhere I look, of what I wasn't organized enough to achieve. I have great intentions, but yeah, that 3 tiered diorama of the Brazilian rain forest is just not going to happen in real life. You see, it requires rounding up items and things and stuff and well, somehow that little activity never gets scheduled into my calendars. I also forget to foresee the unexpected, and my motto in life really should be "Expect the Unexpected".  Though I know things are going to come up to throw my schedule off course,  yetI never leave any lee way on the calendar for that fact.  So there it is, lack of organization and unforeseeable events are my greatest nemesis. 

In keeping with my greatest joy, I PLAN to overcome these little foibles of mine. Just yesterday I blocked off a whole week in February as a catch up week.  I know! Aren't I smart! That, and I found out from the first 4 months of homeschooling that there is no way on earth I'll ever finish everything I'd like to, so maybe it's ok to plan a little more realistically for the next 3 months or so.  Also, I'm only planning specific things 3 in advance.  This gives enough time for me to gather the supplies necessary, but it's not so far in the future that I'll have to revamp the entire year if things go awry, for whatever reason.  See, I'm expecting the unexpected.

Those of you who have been homeschooling for some time, or have been teachers or have had grown up jobs of any kind will be rolling your eyes at me right now and saying, "well duh!".  But for me this is a breakthrough.  I'm learning to face my life as it is, not just as I wish it was.  I'm learning to accept the fact that needing to catch up, take breaks and goof off now and then is normal, and ok, and should be part of the routine.  I'm learning that I'm not a failure if I don't tick everything off the list ( btw, I've never even come close to being able to do this with even a grocery list! I've just felt bad about the inevitable failure pretty much all my life ~ how is it that I'm just coming to grips with reality now?!!!).  I guess what I'm all in a dither about, is that I'm learning to have high expectations for myself and for others, and then the next step is allowing some grace when things don't go as expected.  I've heard it said that way up high is where we set our expectations and way down low is reality and what's left in the middle is disappointment.  I think that is a sad way to look at life, yet accurate as far as my experiences have taught me.  But that disappointment can be changed to blessing when I consider grace as the object lesson of the experience.  To accept failure and learn from it and remember that life is messy and muddled and rarely fits in my calendar boxes and to be ok with it and adapt is such a freeing skill.  One that I plan to hone and refine.  Now let me get a pen and schedule in some honing and refining time!

Trying Not To Forget

Making Poppies: Silk Flower Petals, Black Adhesive Velcro Dots.  Stick the petals together with velcro dots, one on each side.  Stick poppies in hair or on fleece/wool clothing

While we made these I found myself saying that we need to take time to remember the soldiers who gave their lives for our freedom.  My words were met with blank stares.  I started to panic because I was at a loss as to how to explain the valor, honor and sacrifice that was symbolized in our floppy little poppies.  Will our children grow up to have those values? Do we have them?  My Grandpa's generation is very different from mine, they grew up with very little and were still willing to give everything.  They know how to share,how to work hard, how to do without, and how to tough it out. Do we?  Will we be able to teach our children how?  I worry about this, and then take a breath and realize that they won't truly get it, just like I don't truly get it, but we can still pause and appreciate what was done on our behalf.  As I grow older I understand more about what sacrifices were made to keep our countries secure and free.  I know that is was horrific, messy, full of grey areas and darkness pierced with the light of measureless heroism and courage.  I didn't understand until... well, did I understand it until now, as I reflect and type, do I really understand it even now? I can't expect my kids to comprehend what I am still learning about.  I can make time to  "remember" and reflect each year and through the year with them.  Starting small with floppy poppies and talking about Flanders Field and standing at attention while we sing O Canada. Eventually, I hope, we will learn to share, work hard, appreciate what we  have and be generous to others who may be toughing it out.

Grandpa Al & Dade

Thanks

Thank you Lord for...

1. Loving me, paying for my sinfulness, and giving me your Spirit to change me from the inside out.
2. Giving me a husband who loves his family and provides for us.
3. Blessing me with healthy, happy children who teach me far more than I teach them.
4. Designing an extended family for me that welcomes, forgives, celebrates, assists and encourages.
5. Infusing friends in our lives who don't keep score, but love us unconditionally and bring fun and laughter into our lives.
6. Providing unique work opportunities and life experiences that teach us a lot about ourselves and the world around us.
7. Always sending enough, at just the time we need it.
8. The messes everywhere that prove we enjoy life and have many luxuries.
9. The beauty of your creation all around us that speaks to us about your power, might and attention to order & detail.
10. Modern conveniences that make life...well...convenient & comfortable.
11. A husband who is extremely talented and can fix, rig and build pretty much anything.
12. A full to overflowing fridge, closet and book shelf.
13. Freedom to worship, educate and speak in the way we choose.
14. Giving us you Word so we can know you well.
15. Dade's crazy cow licks, Matia's crooked teeth, Kayla's open mouth smiles and  their lack of self-consciousness.
16. Good health
17. Coffee 
18. Music
19. Words, books, ideas
20. Rest, sleep & a comfy bed.

Ten Years and Still Learning

I've been reflecting on the last ten years, since this summer marks my 10th wedding anniversary. Wondering if I've changed much or learned much in the time that has passed so quickly. I was nearly 23 when I got married and thought I had a good grasp on normal wifely duties, such as: cleaning a house, cooking meals, doing laundry, balancing a budget, spending quality time with my man and being generally all around as helpful and contributing as I could. Some things were a shock for me. How could it be that my husband didn't necessarily like all the same foods my dad liked, or even that I liked, or even that I knew how to make! Getting stains out of shirts and pants and well, any item of clothing really, was impossible and frustrating! Credit cards and dual income and dual spending really throw the budget for a loop! Sometimes I didn't get my own way, and when I stomped and huffed around the house all day (silently of course) the reciprocating response was not "oh baby, you're so lovely and wonderful, how could I have ever done or said any thing to make you up set? I'm so sorry, won't you please forgive me", it was usually a to-bad-so-sad-suck-it-up-princess reply, or no reply at all just a puzzled stare. Yep, those were some of the things that were shocking to me; they were just the tip of the ice berg really. With new jobs, new business ideas, new pets, new homes and new babies the shock factor increased exponentially.

Life is shocking, and I've learned that a person doesn't really get married and settle down. A person gets married then holds on for dear life! It is a thrilling, terrifying, yet sometimes lulling ride and I feel as if my eyes are just now opening to the reality of it all. I'm happy to say that I have learned some things along the way.

• I know now that a roast beef or chicken are easy meals to make, and have a huge impress factor, but they are not a good idea on a 30 degree summer day if there is no AC.
  
• I've learned how to make Granny's perogies and gravy (though I enjoy my mother in laws more).
  
• I try to recognize my part in a conflict, and have come to realize I'm not perfect all the time! There are many factors that influence my moods and not all of them have to do with my husband's words or behavior, so I have to consider these factors before (hopefully) I react.
  
• I try to say sorry as soon as I am sorry, instead of waiting for things to cool off, or settle down, or for him to see my side or even for him to say sorry first.
• I know how to give birth to, feed, change, burp, cuddle and love our children. I'm still wondering about the other things like reasoning with them, disciplining them, getting them to go to bed, and teaching them table manners and work ethic!
• I know that God answers prayer and I can never pray to much for my husband and kids, friends and family.
• I've learned that I needed to learn patience. I've always been described by friends and family as patient and easy going, so I took it for granted that I was. I wasn't. I'm getting there.
• I know how to change a tire now.
• I know how to build a shelter out of drift wood and a boat.
• I know how to dress out a bear.
• I know how air brakes work, or at least I have a certificate that says I know this information.
• I know how to make beef jerky.
• I can describe nearly 100 different flavors of ice cream, and can scoop 6 single cones in one hand.
• I have learned how to wake board.
• I've learned how to surf the internet, blog, down load, google, and email (how shocking is it that I did not know how to do these things when I was 23?)
• I've learned about 10 new recipes in 10 years that I know my husband likes. He still wonders why I insist on making stuff he doesn't like, but it's getting better I think.
• I've gained an appreciation for Metalica! ha ha not sure if this is good for me or not!

There are many things that I will be working on for the rest of my life. I wish I was wiser, handier, tidier, kinder, better in so many ways. Some of the things I still struggle with are:

• House work
• organizing
• Stain removal
• Ironing
• cooking with out substituting
• accepting criticism with grace
• believing in my own self worth
• being respectful
  
• Praying
• Hemming
• Patching
• Sewing of any kind!
• Time management
  
• Not procrastinating

There are many others but let's focus on the positive, shall we?

I guess after thinking about it for a time, I'm finding that I'm becoming comfortable with my life. There will always be things to learn, changes to adjust to, surprises to reel from, disappointments to recover from. I think I'm learning to zoom in on what is important, though I still get caught up in the trivial from time to time. It will be interesting to look back in 10 more years to see what I will have learned. Right now I'm off to try my hand at hemming a pair of pants! I think I'll google it first!

Walk of Shame

The explosion was unexpected. I didn't really see it coming, though there were warning signs; I didn't pay attention. All was calm and even pleasant. My children and I sailed through the isles of needs and luxuries, picking up this and that and adding it to the bulging cart. We had pleasant banter and some discussion as to what kinds of things we were going to buy and what kinds of things we were not. There was no arguing though, because the kids were well fed, they were well rested (I thought) and they each were clutching their souvenirs (personally chosen sandals, hats and sunglasses). All was well as we reached the dock and began to disembark. My sweet, lovely little girl was getting tired of sitting in the vessel, so I let her out to stretch her legs. That's when she spied the wares. You know the ones, the colorful wrapped candy awaiting every child's impulse. Her first request was already quite strong, determined and forceful. It met with my equally determined, yet patient (I thought) "no, not today, we already have our treats". Without warning or any further progression in the discussion a full out tantrum storm erupted in front of me. The furry of her screams was matched by the whirlwind of her arms as her little fists lashed out at me hitting and scratching out a rhythm of anger. The merchants gave me a sympathetic smile and increased their processing speed. I tried to contain the furry storm in my cart, but then had no place to put my wares. There needed to be a wise response for such disruptive and disrespectful behaviour, I could feel the other patrons lined up behind me demanding it of me through their curious stares. I knew they were wondering just how I was going to handle this gale force. Quietly I asked the merchant to remove the carefully chosen pink hat with rhinestones and the cute purple Marilyn Monroe sunglasses from our pile of wares. I showed my little thunder cloud that the outcome of her tirade would be leaving her precious cargo behind. This did not change the stormy mood, nor calm the seas, but it gave satisfaction to the onlookers. A few "good for you"s, and "I've been there" were cast my way. These comments did not patch my leaky pride, the more sympathetic smiles given to me, the more holes I could feel punched into my self esteem. As I held on to my raging child and tried to comfort my compassionate son who was doing all he could to plead his sister's case with big tears rolling down his cheeks, I pushed my cargo down the walk way. We passed every single merchant port. Throngs of wide eyes following our every move, I leaked. I broke. I ducked my head and tears squeezed out despite my efforts to keep them in check. In the car I got my breath back, wiped the tears, spoke sternly, honestly and lovingly to my children. Tried not to care about "the looks", drove home. My thundercloud floated off into dream land the moment the engine started running, and I smiled at her.

The Highs and Lows of Unplugging

I'm back from a week of being unplugged. I'm glad to be back, but I am also more guarded of my attitude toward this world of virtual communication and entertainment. Here are some of the highs and lows from my week...

High: I took time to catch up on rest, as I felt achy and tired quite a few days this week.
Low: I was not distracted by the computer, but because of how I was feeling I didn't spend as much quality time with my kids as I had intended.

High: I tried out a whole bunch of recipes and caught up on some over due cleaning.
Low: There is no catching up for good, and my list isn't any where near complete. This experiment has shown me how important it is to use the minutes in my day more wisely. I'd like to get to the point where I have a routine to maintain, rather than always trying to get everything done in a few days after procrastinating or having unexpected events come up. This is another good reason to limit my computer time indefinitely.

High: I did get to have some fun with the kids. We did a few crafts and made some favorite foods, read some stories, watched some movies, and cuddled.
Low: I still feel like they watched too much t.v. this week.

High: I didn't miss much. Friends and family still pick up their phones. My DH kept me abreast of various Facebook statuses. I pondered on what was happening on my friends' blogs, but I can catch up eventually. Though I like to, I've learned I don't need to read every detail of everyone's lives. Though they are very helpful and interesting, they are a treat and need to be consumed in moderation.
Low: I had to go on line for a couple of recipes and to confirm an email for work reasons. So I did cheat just a little. I didn't get side tracked though, I only got the essential information and then shut it off.

It wasn't as hard as I thought I would be to unplug this week. Though I had withdrawal symptoms ( my thoughts constantly turning toward what people were doing, and thinking that I should email so and so about such and such) my journal and my bible and my recipe books filled the gap nicely. I realize again the value of working and resting and connecting and how those elements in my life have been shaped by the availability of internet.

So, I have decided that web surfing and all other forms of electronic communication needs to take place after my kids are in bed. Just like a good movie or a book or a game, it needs to be something I choose to spend a limited amount of time doing. The rest of the day I need to be really present for my kids and my husband and my home. I will still have days where I don't accomplish much, those days are a given. What I must not do is surrender my time without thought or compunction as to what I'm giving up in order to laugh at someone's ironic story, or discover the next yummy recipe. This is my real life and I need to live it, or else what do I really have to blog about anyway?

Here's a peak at some of our projects please don't judge on the home decor or the fashion :) we're a work in progress!

Working on some fine motor skills, cutting out an indoor snowboard made of underlay foam. Like totally dude!

You're not going to believe me but there are no fumes in this paint, she just has her Grandma Heather's knack for closing her eyes when the camera flashes.

Keeping them on their toes with a carefully developed obstacle course.

Matia actually fell asleep while watching her brother do puzzles on www.poissonrouge.com it must have been riveting!

Enjoying the valentines that Grandma sent

Matia helped me make Pink Pudding Pies just for us. Yum! They were so enticing that Dade actually ate his supper after vowing not to. Hamburger soup isn't so bad after all!

Gotta Go

Well for the first time, since I've started reading blogs and hanging out here in bloggy land I need to take a break.
I have been finding it hard to pay attention to my duties at home because I've been feeling yucky/pregnant, and because I've been procrastinating shamelessly.
I need to remember what it is like to get things done. To look directly into my kid's eyes when they talk to me, instead of sideways with the glare of the computer in my glasses blocking my vision. I need to rely on my own creativity instead of reading about a bunch of cool craft ideas and then book marking them for a later date when I'll have TIME to do them with the kids. If I turn off this computer I'll have the time, any time!
I get frustrated because my house isn't clean, but then I sit down and look for a blog that I can read and look for cleaning and organizing tips. It's so silly!!!
So today was the last day, and I binged majorly on the blog roll today. It was a true sit on my duff Saturday, and it ends tomorrow!!

1. I get to go to church and worship, clear my head and my heart and get ready for the week to come.
2. Enjoy fellowship with friends.
3. Develop a PODA list (Parade of Daily Adventures) for the week.
4. Set a timer. Work 15 mins, take a break for 15 mins, until the job is done (whatever that job may be according to the PODA)
5. Take time to connect. Call a friend. Cuddle the kids. Write some Valentines. Plan a Date night with DH (See Project 52 on side bar)
   
6. Make a place and times to pray. Work on implementing a quiet time with the kids.
7. GOSAM!(Get OutSide and Move!) Kick that cabin fever's butt!
8. Journal. Find a pen and paper and jot down thoughts from this experience.
9. At the end of the week blog about it :) Use journal for notes.

Ba Humbled!

Well, after my rant yesterday I came across this, and this.
To say the least I felt terrible about the perspective I allowed myself to take in regard to baking cookies with my kids, decorating my home, and even the weather.
I have so much to be thankful for. I read some where recently if we all tossed our troubles into a pile, we'd be quick to take back our own. I shouldn't complain about messes, when my children are healthy and whole. I shouldn't complain about broken decorations when I have the abundance to buy fragile little doo dads. I shouldn't complain about the cold weather when I have a warm home, warm clothes and reliable heated transportation. So what if ski pants get wet, I have a washing machine and dryer. It's a cinch, it's a snap, it means serving others without grumping - that is the hard part.
I don't know where the idea came from that I'm entitled to a perfect, magazine Christmas with out having to lift a finger to create that ideal atmosphere and cozy memories. I need to be thankful for the work involved because it is humbling. It stops me from worshiping the traditions and helps me to call on the strength of the Lord. He was and is the best example of a humble servant, whose 1st Christmas was anything but Hallmark! Without him and his humble life and death there would be no traditions to celebrate, no reason for the season as they say.

Resolving to do better

After my day last week, I've been looking for some ideas of what to do differently when I am frazzled, or emotional, or things just aren't going the way I had planned. Here are some links to some good advice I've found out there in bloggy land:

Duggar's top 5 parenting tips

1st Time Obedience Training

Gentleness Training

Resources for training & discipline

Lots of reading and learning to do. Praying for strength in weakness.

I'm so sorry

My dear family,

I will say all of this to you with my words, but I express myself better in type, and I need this here to refer to from time to time (as you know).

I'm so sorry for my dirty rotten selfish ugly attitude toward you today. I didn't mean to be impatient, rude, self seeking, judgmental, irrational and hard hearted. That hysterical woman you were dealing with today, is not the person I want to be. It is not the person God is making me to be, but I slipped up and reverted to my weak self loving flesh today.

Mike I am sorry I didn't speak to you respectfully, and that I didn't consider how lucky I am to have you, a husband who loves me, who desires me and who is home with his family on a cold wintery day. I could have chosen to delight in my role as your helper and friend and lover, yet I turned the cold shoulder and replied with sarcasm and bitterness. I'm so sorry.

Dade, my son, my sensitive boy. You are always aware of other's feelings and you react easily to them. Instead of keeping this in mind and finding ways to show kindness and goodness and patience to you I ignored you this morning and asked you to stay out of my way. Oh how I fret that one day you won't want to be here at home with your family, or want to talk to me about this and that. How can I treat my precious time with you now so trivially? I'm so sorry.

Matia, you trouble maker. You are making every effort to get my attention. The make up will wash off, the water will dry up, the dish water in the pancake batter didn't even change the flavor! All these little things that I get so riled up about mean nothing. But your poor hurt little feelings when I berate you with my sharp words mean everything. You are so precious, and yet I cut you down in an instant with my nasty looks, my tight hand on your arms, and my angry words. I am so sorry.

Oh Lord, how can I do this to the ones I say I love? Why do I struggle so much to show the mercy and grace that you gave me so freely? God, change my heart and my mind and my actions. Forgive me.

Mike, Dade & Matia, please forgive me.

Love
Mom

Family Needed

This is a long shot post since I have a limited readership, and I'm a virtual newbie to the blogging world. I've been reading the blog that this title is attached to for a little while and I think that posting this link on my blog is the least I can do for this woman. Her story is sad, funny, courageous, impossible and well written (IMHO). So I wanted to share, and to spread the word about her family's need. It is not likely that I can help her, since she needs a family that lives close to her, but who knows the mysterious ways that God works. Nothing will happen if I choose to do nothing, that is a certainty.

Willing to clean up a mess.

Last night we were visiting my sister in law and family. My kids were playing down stairs and had been having a wonderful time, judging from the duplo blocks scattered over the entire floor. I asked my son to pick up the toys and playfully added, "before Uncle Trevor sees this mess!" I was just kidding, but you should have seen him work in double time, and he cleaned everything up with no complaint! I was a bit flabbergasted, because not even hours earlier I had made a similar request of him regarding his own blocks in his own room. Even after repeated requests and even an offer to help nothing was where it should be. How frustrating. I shook it off thinking he just needs some help, so I ended up doing most of the work and nagging him the entire time (hmmm this makes me think of the Bernstein Bears and the Messy Room). It should be mentioned here that Dade is not afraid of Uncle Trevor, he was not scared of any terrible repercussions if Trevor caught him in his mess. Dade loves Uncle Trevor and respects him and did not want to leave a mess in his living room.

This whole story got me thinking about my heart. I have some pretty big messes in there, and at times I go to town making new ones. I often hear/feel the promptings of the Holy Spirit to get things cleaned up. God's spirit prompts me to open up to some one, or be silent other times, or get on my knees and pray, or sing a song of praise, but I often ignore the promptings and wallow in my messy heart. I dwell on past hurts, I rehash arguments thinking about what I should have said, or what I'll say next time, I gloat about good combacks, or cry about unfair situations. It is often not until I read about the people in the Old Testament and consider who God my Father really is that I am able to get past my spiritual childishness and stubbornness, and start getting things cleaned up! I want my heart to be clean and inviting for my Lord and Savior to dwell in. I know that he accepts me and loves me as I am, and it is only by his power that my heart can be spotless. I want to show respect and love to him because he is so good to me, and that is an amazing motivator for me to examine my heart and ask God to show me if there is any wicked way in me. I often don't want to be sensitive to the prompting of God's Spirit in me because it takes time and effort, but when I think about my mighty, all powerful, all knowing, God who is worthy to be praised I realize it is worth the effort and takes less time than wallowing in my mess.

I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose

He said to me, "you are my servant, Israel, and you will bring me glory."
I replied, "but my work seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose. Yet I leave it all in the Lord's hand; I will trust God for my reward.
Isaiah 49:3

Looking around my house today, you'd never know that I have spent the greater part of my week cleaning up, organizing, putting away, washing, cooking, filling, emptying, shuffling, purging...
Days like this make me wonder what on earth is the point!?
I guess the point is not on earth. This is where things just go on getting messy, breaking and emptying, or (in the case of my garbage can) overflowing with filth. For some deluded reason this always seems to come as a surprise to me. Like I think that if I vacuum the rug it will stay clean, but I have lived in this world long enough to know that even if it was just me living here and I never ever stood on the carpet or ate near it, it would still get dusty and dirty at some point. So why do I get so boiling mad when my 2 year old spills milk on something, or when I have to pick stuff up over and over and over and over? I'm learning that it is idolatry. I worship big clean houses that will be old some day, shiny new cars that will break down some day and pretty shoes and clothes that I will stain, rip or not fit in a year, in place of the God who makes all things new. How crazy is that?! The biggest problem is that it is unintentional. I don't even know I'm doing it until this angry feeling inside me wells up and wants to explode at the sight of a messy room, an unfinished house and yard or a broken down car in my driveway. I get angry because I have been defining myself with my belongings, instead of defining myself as a servant of God's. I need to be intentional about obeying and worshiping God, and then leave the rest in his hands. Whatever he sees fit to do with my work, my belongings, my time and my money will be good if I am walking in obedience to him. I can leave it in his hands and trust God with my reward.

Time Managment Envy

I've been reading about what some other people's days look like HERE, and it caused me to stop and consider what my day looks like, and what I would really like it to look like.
Currently it is still summer. Our hours go late into the night, so I'm a bit different than most people. Here's a stab at my current schedule compared to my dream schedule:

The Dream

5:16am Devos & work out
6:00am Coffee & computer
7:00am Yummy breakfast,reboot laundry
8:00am Phonics with DS,DD free play
9:00am Kids-Art Me-Fly lady zone
10:00am math games (sorting, matching manipulating)
11:00am kids-play outside Me-start lunch
12:00pm Lunch
1:00pm Kids-Naps Me-more Flying
2:00pm Call BFF while flying
3:00pm Snack & Circle time, Chores
4:00pm Kids-watch a show or play games Me-start supper.
5:00pm Supper
6:00pm Kids-Daddy time Me-Clean up & reboot laundry
7:00pm Stories & singing & bed time routine
8:00pm Kids-zzzzz Me-hang with DH
10:00pm Bedtime routine
11:00pm zzzzzzzzzz
12:00pm zzzzzzzzzz
1:00am zzzzzzzzzz


Reality

5:16am zzzzzzzzz
6:00am zzzzzzzzz
7:00am zzzzzzzz
8:00am DS wakes me wanting a snack and a show, me-coffee & computer
9:00am breakfast of some sort, clean up & get dressed.
10:00am Breakfast of some sort for DH, kids snack & play with toys.
11:00am park/outside
12:00pm open concession (I work in concession, DH takes kids)
1:00pm Kids-Nap

3:00pm DH swaps with me, lunch, Clean up camper, go to park or walk or shopping.
6:00pm Supper of some sort, swap with DH work in concession
10:00pm DH swaps with me, put kids to bed
12:00am DH closes concession, Hang with DH/clean camper
1:00am bed time.

Solutions

Thanks to all of you who have commented and helped to put my mind at ease regarding my hair scare. I'm still just a tad worried, but there is nothing I can do about it (thanks annonymous, I won't try the vaseline trick, it is good to learn from other people's experiences! I'm also glad you're not bald). So my solution is this:I think I will start looking for those wide head bands too. I hope the hat and head bands don't contribute to the problem. Regardless I love this cute hat so much I'd wear it even if my hair wasn't falling out!

Some other solutions that have been mulling around under my hat are:

1. I need to destress. Exercise is a great way to get endorphins flowing and encourage seratonin production (happy hormones) so I thought I'd give this a try.*
2. On the bed time routine issues I am choosing to let Mike put the kids to bed as often as possible! This means I scoop ice cream late into the evening, but hey that's ok with me! As soon as I get my hands on some stickers and blank paper I will try a checklist routine. It will help me keep on track at bed time as much as the kids.
   

There is one more thing that I'm considering. I'm still too wussy to commit, but this seems like a good thing, though I know it will not be an easy thing, and I'm afraid I'll cop out and feel worse than if I'd never tried. Still thinking, but really, I know I need to do this.

*K so, I did the initial tests for sit ups, squats and pushups. I'm on week 3 for squats and sit ups, but I'm on level 2 Week one for pushups. I'm not bragging that's for sure! Just keeping track.
Also, I joined twitter and will be studying Prayer, the Great Adventure by David Jerimiah with the 5:16 Gals. Wish me luck.

When I feel like I've got it rough

I've been reading a blog called a little history. It tells a story about a homesteader's family and some of the interesting ways that they solved problems back then. It is a great kick in the pants for me when I'm moaning about doing laundry at a laundry mat, and living in a comfortable home & travel trailer. I guess I need to toughen up a bit, or "suck it up" as they say? More than that I need to go to bed and wake up counting my blessings.

Take a peek in to my memories

I was just thinking back on some of our past summer adventures as carnies.
We've had some interesting experiences and learned how to deal with stressful circumstances as a result.

This one time...
We had a 11/2 year old and an 8 month old. We were driving from a northern town to a southern town about 7 hours from each other. We sell 80 flavors of hard ice cream from our concession stand. The plan was to stop in the City and pick up some ice cream then keep on driving to our destination. I was driving the kids in our 97 Golf and Mike was driving the Freightliner with concession towing the travel trailer. Once we were pretty much in the middle of no where the Freightliner engine blew! We stopped at Smalltownville and Mike muttered and tinkered and hammered and made some phone calls. He ended up leaving us to nap, play and hang out at the travel trailer while he drove to the City for engine parts. Hours later he returned with the parts and continued to mutter, hammer, grunt and fix. Somehow he patched up that engine over night, at least we drove it the next day. The short stop put us behind schedule and we were late getting to our fair (which had already set up and started). In order to save time, I was sent ahead to pick up our ice cream order. Yes I picked up about twenty 11.5L pails of ice cream plus 3 large boxes of ice cream cones in our Golf. Yes the kids were with me. I think I even stacked a box of cones right above my son's head. Let's just say visibility was limited. You'd think with that load and crying kids and a stressed out me, that it would have been us to have the catastrophe. We didn't. We made it to our meeting point and axiously waited for Daddy while eating burgers and hoping the ice cream wasn't melting too fast. We had a great view of the road that Mike was to arrive from. I just about choked on my burger when I looked up and saw Mike standing beside the road attempting to remove what looked like our trailer's wheels (but no trailer) from a very busy freeway! It turned out that it was our trailer's wheels, and it's axle! No problem. With the help of a kind Samaritan we loaded up the axle into the concession, prayed and kept driving. The trailer had two axles, that one must have been extra! Mike told me that the axle falling off the trailer happened just shortly after our generator took a tumble out of the back of our concession which had accidentally been left open. Ya, the generator that keeps our ice cream frozen when we have no power to hook up to. Luckily it is a high quality, tough piece of equipment and only suffered some scratches to it's dignity. The remainder of the trip consisted of stopping on the side of the road and changing oil every hour, due to issues with the quick engine patch job & of course checking to make sure our trailer wasn't being dragged along on it's back bumper (considering the strain the remaining axle was under)! All in all, what should have been a 7 hour drive took us about 36 hours. Fun times!

Looking back we laugh and shake our heads! Mike said today, " I can't believe we drove all that way with a blown engine and a missing axle!" "ya", I added, "and 2 small kids and a load of melting ice cream". I'd like to say that we smiled through it all, prayed and encouraged one another with kind words and scripture! ha ha ahahahahaha! We did persevere. We did not give up. We asked forgiveness for, and forgave harsh words and impatient looks. We did pray, and found that we don't always get what we ask for. Some things we got that we didn't ask for were: helpful bystanders, enough money to pay for the repairs, a profit from our spot at the fair (making it all worth while), a convenient campsite, first hand experience that things work if you worry or not. Ironically it seems that these situations of panic or mayhem are what I look back on as defining moments in our marriage. Times where I've learned to be flexible, patient, positive, understanding, hopeful, and encouraging were times when I've felt the most anxious, confused, discouraged and rigid. It turns out what doesn't kill you DOES make you stronger.

I plan to post more memories from past summer excitement. My hope for this summer that we will have less to learn and more remember.