Taking my attitude in hand.

I read this blog this morning, and was cut to the quick.
Despite knowing that I need to love others more than myself, I truly don't. I love people who show me love, but God says even wicked people do that. I tend to pat myself on the back and say "I'm a good person", but I'm not. I'm a selfish, wicked person. I also am unable to change myself. The only way I can be saved from my selfishness is by God's Holy Spirit living in me. I have been frustrated by my bible readings lately, frowning at the Book and thinking to myself "ya ya, I know I'm a sinner, Ya ya, I know I can only become good through God's saving grace". But this morning I heard a whisper in my ear saying "stop crushing my spirit!" I have been trying to be a good person on my own strength. I've been willing myself to like my students, but not praying for them. I've been throwing pity parties for myself because I don't like certain aspects of my life, but I have not been looking for ways to worship and praise God in any circumstance. I am tired and exhausted, but I have not been resting in the Lord, or meditating on his word. I have been believe the lie that I must do it on my own. I CANNOT! Though my struggles are massively different in some ways from Katie's (afore mentioned blog), they are the same in the struggle to put down my selfishness and be willing to live a life directed by God's spirit. Truthfully, I don't even know how to listen. I'm so accustomed to my whining, complaining flesh making all the decisions and choices. I need to practice, which means I'm going to be falling down quite a bit, which means these next 4 weeks of teaching probably won't be a picnic, but it can be a blessing if I can set myself aside and see the picture God is painting in my life. Surrender...it is so hard, but so necessary. Does it get easier with time and practice?