Another Month

Looks like I'm going to be a grade 6 teacher for another month. This is good, this is good, this is good, this is good! If I say it enough I'll believe it. Right now I'm getting over a small crying jag. I feel too weak to do this, I feel too dumb to do this, I feel too tired to do this, I feel too homesick to do this..... it hurts to stretch myself outside my comfort zone. If I can just step back emotionally a bit I know I am doing my best, that I am succeeding mostly, I am learning constantly, I am blessing and being blessed through this experience. But the emotions keep on washing over me. I cry because I am unsure of myself, because I am tired, because I miss being at home with my kids, because the students I'm supposed to be teaching/helping/caring for/loving are driving me crazy with their typical pre-teen ways. I cry because I should be grateful for this chance to learn, this chance to obey God even when I don't want to, for this chance to serve others, but I'm not grateful...instead I complain and that makes me cry. I cry because there is a pile of papers on my desk with no names on them! of all the things, how can this little niggling stupid problem make me cry! But seriously, I can't figure out who they belong to so someone might have to get a bad mark, even though they did the work! I cry because I can't bring myself to give zeros to struggling students, because it hurts me to see kids who don't want to go outside for recess because they don't have friends to play with, because I don't know how to get a hyper active student to sit down and learn without being a grump. I cry because I DO care, but I don't want to, because it hurts to care. Oh boy am I ever on a non coherant rant! I'm crying like crazy, but you know what?

I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength. I WILL choose to do all things with Love (even through clentched teeth). I will not lean on my own understanding, but in all things I will acknowelge Christ, and He will direct my path. I will not be anxious, but I WILL be thankful and cast my cares upon the Lord, for He cares for me and my rowdy grade sixers AND my babies at home. I will cling to the peace that passes all understanding, and take one day at a time. I will hope for the best & plan for the worst (I don't think that last one is from scripture, it's just good advice from my Dad).

But for now.... I am having a good cry, because I just can't seem to stop. I plan to pull it together and be professional in a few minutes, complete my lesson plan for tomorrow, pack up my marking and go home to my DH and my babies. Just as soon as I find a Kleenex....