The Best Laid Plans

There's not much that I like more than to stay up late, all alone with my calendars, day timers and schedules.  I love to use all the on-line gadgets to get that euphoric feeling of organization.  It's a feeling folks, remember I think I've noted that feelings aren't the same as reality, but still, I like the feeling! I like to have a hanging calendar with pretty pictures or interesting quotes or funny jokes.  I like to have a purse sized calendar to carry around and write stuff in when I'm waiting in the car for hubby, or when if am asked to participate in a prestigious social function.  When I get the church bulletin or nursery rotation I like to type it into my email dates reminder, pencil it on my wall calendar and jot it down in my purse diary.  Now that I'm homeschooling I'm in my glory ,blocking off weeks for unit studies and color coordinating them with different highlighter colors. Oh yes, I love the FEELING of being organized! 

The trouble is that right after I jot it all down and the organizational high wears off, I am no more organized than I was before.  I'm just reminded, everywhere I look, of what I wasn't organized enough to achieve. I have great intentions, but yeah, that 3 tiered diorama of the Brazilian rain forest is just not going to happen in real life. You see, it requires rounding up items and things and stuff and well, somehow that little activity never gets scheduled into my calendars. I also forget to foresee the unexpected, and my motto in life really should be "Expect the Unexpected".  Though I know things are going to come up to throw my schedule off course,  yetI never leave any lee way on the calendar for that fact.  So there it is, lack of organization and unforeseeable events are my greatest nemesis. 

In keeping with my greatest joy, I PLAN to overcome these little foibles of mine. Just yesterday I blocked off a whole week in February as a catch up week.  I know! Aren't I smart! That, and I found out from the first 4 months of homeschooling that there is no way on earth I'll ever finish everything I'd like to, so maybe it's ok to plan a little more realistically for the next 3 months or so.  Also, I'm only planning specific things 3 in advance.  This gives enough time for me to gather the supplies necessary, but it's not so far in the future that I'll have to revamp the entire year if things go awry, for whatever reason.  See, I'm expecting the unexpected.

Those of you who have been homeschooling for some time, or have been teachers or have had grown up jobs of any kind will be rolling your eyes at me right now and saying, "well duh!".  But for me this is a breakthrough.  I'm learning to face my life as it is, not just as I wish it was.  I'm learning to accept the fact that needing to catch up, take breaks and goof off now and then is normal, and ok, and should be part of the routine.  I'm learning that I'm not a failure if I don't tick everything off the list ( btw, I've never even come close to being able to do this with even a grocery list! I've just felt bad about the inevitable failure pretty much all my life ~ how is it that I'm just coming to grips with reality now?!!!).  I guess what I'm all in a dither about, is that I'm learning to have high expectations for myself and for others, and then the next step is allowing some grace when things don't go as expected.  I've heard it said that way up high is where we set our expectations and way down low is reality and what's left in the middle is disappointment.  I think that is a sad way to look at life, yet accurate as far as my experiences have taught me.  But that disappointment can be changed to blessing when I consider grace as the object lesson of the experience.  To accept failure and learn from it and remember that life is messy and muddled and rarely fits in my calendar boxes and to be ok with it and adapt is such a freeing skill.  One that I plan to hone and refine.  Now let me get a pen and schedule in some honing and refining time!

Unit Studies

So I'm a newbie at this whole homeschooling thing and I've recently found something that I really like (all you seasoned homeschoolers can roll your eyes if you want) it is The Unit Study. 

Yep, I was browsing on my favorite homeschool blog and by following a rabbit trail I found Homeschool Share and I feel like I hit the jack pot!  I've been trying to decide how to incorporate a little bit of each subject each day and keep it light and fun and avoid the feeling of drudgery.  My kids love to read books and have books read to them. Studying one specific book all week and basing lessons upon that specific story keeps them interested no matter what subject we're covering. I'm still trying to get the hang of Lapbooks, but I feel like I've found something to keep me moving forward with our fledgling attempts at "school".  I keep getting advised to take it easy, keep it simple, teach to the heart, and so on.  I'm wondering if I might be taking it to easy and slacking off.  It's easy to let school slide when you do it at home, and with us doing Kindergarten and PreK it's even more "acceptable" to do a little here and there with out much structure.   This is fine by my kids, and they are actually doing well and are making progress in their reading and writing and counting.  I struggle though.  I crave structure and order and routine.  Since I got married I have learned to tolerate less and less predictability in my life, but now I'm starting to feel like I'm just drifting along with no goals or purpose or accomplishments and it's a bit stressful and frightening.  I mean, I always have goals but they have become quite general:

1. get out of bed
2. feed children
3. feed self
4. pick stuff up
5. put stuff away
6. clean stuff up
7. move stuff around randomly if you don't know where to put it.
8. feed people again
9. catch up on the news Face Book
10. talk to my 5 on the phone
11. feed people again.
12. get children back into bed
13. get self to bed before a new day dawns.

These unit studies give me a  way to get focused.  We can do school in a way that I actually enjoy and relate to.  I'm so thankful that I live in the information age or I'd be lost. 

This past week we did a Unit Study on Boxes for Katje by Candace Flemming.  We read the book each school day.  Through the week we made a box for Operation Christmas Child, we planted a bulb (An Amaryllis not a tulip), colored the Dutch flag and looked at traditional clothing and other symbols of Holland.  In between all the fun stuff we squeezed in the usual stuff (printing, phonics, counting/grouping, cooking, cleaning, etc).  The week before we studied Johnny Appleseed by Reeve Lindburgh.  We counted apple seeds daily, sang the prayer, watched the Disney Tall Tales excerpt about Johnny Appleseed, did an art project on the changing seasons and apple trees, colored a facts booklet about apples, had an apple tasting and finally ate apple crisp. 
Next week we are going to examine pioneer life with The Ox-Cart Man by Donald Hall
I've chosen our books based on the season, and have tried to order them from the library well in advance so we have them when we are ready to study them.

Our lap books are a bit sloppy.  I'm hoping to learn a bit more about what other people do to keep theirs from looking like the photocopier threw up into a file folder and then my kids scribbled on it. Until then, I'm happy to have a record of our weekly progress, so I'll keep the lap book in what ever form it comes.
So that's what we've been up to this week and last, and I'll try to post a bit more about our special projects as we go.

We have been a family of 5 for a month now. Some things are glorious. Some things are difficult. I don't mind admitting that I'm tired, pretty much all the time, I think that's just how it's going to be until the kids grow up for the rest of my life. The coffee cup and I have a little thing going on, ok well actually it's quite serious, we're inseparable really, and honestly when our lips meet there is a lot of hot steamy lovin' going on! Did I mention I'm pretty tired these days? Perhaps I should digress and draw your attention to more wholesome subject matter, like all the things that are glorious about life these days:

• The smell of a tiny baby, all milky and sweet.
• The way my older daughter takes on her sisterly duties with gusto, simply because she can't get enough of this new little person in our lives.
• The way my son will let Kayla grasp his finger when no one seems to be noticing.
• That I am seeing progress in our schooling in just 6 short days (don't get me wrong, we've got a long row to hoe, but still progress in any sense of the word is still glorious).
• We are home, such that it is, it is still home, still our stuff, our friends, our life and I'm glad.
• My husband is renovating our bathroom even as I type this! 
• We have kittens and a mama mouser cat that are sticking around and hopefully eating up the copious amounts of mice on our property.
• Mike got our hot tub refurbished and fired up! Heaven!

 Some things that I'm finding difficult right now are:

• Being tired all the time.  I can't even blame Kayla since I'm only up once a night and then usually she calls for me at a reasonable time in the morning (usually we hang out at 3am ish and 7am ish). She goes right back to sleep and usually I'm free to do the same, except that I really need to get up at 7 so I can get our day on track.  My difficulty stems from the fact that I have a bad habit of staying up until 12am or later, it's the carny in me I guess. All summer we have been rising late (after 9am) and going to bed late (1am ish) so I'm still having trouble getting to bed at a reasonable hour, especially since I like to give Kayla  a dream feed at 11pm ish.  
• Homeschooling.  I thought my kids would enjoy the activities I had in mind, but they have pretty much decided that they don't like school. They have decided this in 6 days.  Matia has gone so far as to say that O Canada is stupid and that she hates the Lord's Prayer. Oh my.  I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.  I'm hoping some object lessons (a paper mache globe) and a trip to the library for some good books will help things a bit.  Other than that we're just going to plug along and by gum and by golly they are going to learn that I'm the boss and they must get with the program and that they are not going to break me! I'm a substitute teacher, they haven't even scratched the surface of what I'm capable of withstanding! Oh ya, it's going to be so fun around here, let me tell you.
• Renovations.  We are redoing our bathroom. We have completely gutted the old one, it was pretty yucky. I am extremely pleased with this project, the only difficulty is that it means we are living in our travel trailer again this fall.  It also means that I have no washer and dryer right now.  I'm not uncomfortable in our travel trailer, and to combat the laundry pile up I went and picked out 7 outfits for each of us and I'm not keeping any more clothing than that in the camper.  Once we run out I need to run to the laundromat or we wear dirty clothes and that is that (or so we shall see). 
• I'm grumpy.  I'm unreasonably grumpy almost all the time.  I pray for God's spirit to grow the fruit of self control in me every day because I just want to bite everyone's head off all the time.  I know some of it is hormones, some is fatigue, some is running out of patience from constant disciplining of preschoolers, some is circumstances outside of my control.  I know I should exercise and get my sleep and my quiet time with the Lord.  Usually I'm getting one out of three. I'll keep on working on it.  Sorry, in advance if I bite your head off.

Over all I'd say the good out weighs the bad. We continue to learn from all of our experiences and we keep on looking forward to our future with optimistic hope.

T.G.

Thanks God for:

Teachers who love their students
Teachers who are passionate about the subjects or topics they teach
Administrators who aren't afraid to pray in front of their students and staff
Administrators who take time to know their students
Warm classrooms
Abundant school supplies
Electricity
White boards
Books
Paper
Pencils & pens
Libraries
Computers
Playgrounds
Grass fields
Well stocked gym equipment room
Abundant coffee, sugar & cream
Desks
Lockers
Photocopiers
Laminators
Microwaves
Hot lunches
Breakfast programs
Parent Volunteers
Custodians
Secretaries
Maintainance workers
Students who get involved
The opportunity for students to have free education

Sometimes I get a bit ungrateful when it comes to our education system, but when I open my eyes to what is available to the majority of the world I gasp at how rich and educated we are.
We often complain of low funding, or old buildings or burned out staff, but we have funding, we have a roof over our heads & heat, there are willing hands in each school dedicated to serving children. We know our system, school, and teaching strategies aren't perfect, but it is definately a lot better than what most have access to.

I have certainly gained a new perspective from my time in grade 6. Thanks God for making me grow.

I want to take baby steps toward: authentic worship, daily recognizing what is truly important in my life, serving my family & friends, and learning spiritual disciplines that will draw me closer to the heart of God.

I keep getting stressed out! I want to do a good job at everything, so I worry about everything, and then I just don't want to do anything, and start looking for ways out.
So what is truly important in my life?
Not the school field trip that I'm fretting about, but the students who are under my care and look to me to be an example to them.
What am I to be an example of? Faith, Hope & Love...
and so...
I've been praying about the difficulties I'm having planning this field trip and I have faith that I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me. I have hope that help is on the way(parent volunteers and angels to watch over us all and keep us safe!). Keeping things simple and straight forward will still provide a great time of fun with my students. I choose to be honored by this gift of time to spend with these students who I have come to know and care for. My last day with them will be this field trip, so instead of moaning over the work it will take to organize a class trip, I choose to apprecitate the time gift I've been given. I will try to focus on and look forward to the casual, easy time I can spend with my students, celebrating knowing them and this stetching, uncomfortable, learning experience we've been through together. I do love this noisey, sarcastic, slightly rude group of tweens, and all that they have done to change me and make me trust my God to work in my life and in theirs.

My Accomplishment

Well, I haven't posted in a while because I wanted to savor my 100th post. I didn't realize it was #100 until a few days after I posted. If I had known I would have written something much more profound. Oh well, that window is closed, besides I don't think my limp dishrag of a brain has anything profound left in it. So I will crow about my latest achievement...

I am finished report cards!!!!!!!!

These are the first report cards I have ever done. It was not a fun, or easy task. I'm sorry to all my past teachers and professors that I did not laminate and keep all my report cards in fancy binders and look at them periodically through out my life. They are a heck of a lot of work and deserve a lot more respect than I ever gave mine!

Since my eyes are red and my neck and sholders have curved into a massive hump, I think I will keep this post short. I just wanted to mark the moment.

Now I'm going home to my wonderful husband who has cooked a chicken and baked bread! I will snuggle with my cute kids who miss me and shout a delighted "MOMMY!" when I walk in the door. I will read one chapter of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, then I will call it a day.

Happy weekend everyone!

Glad Minutes

It's been a while since I've sat down for 10 minutes and just thought of all the things that I'm happy about. Here it goes:

• DH put in a new toilet with dual flush!
• I was given a compliment after school 2 days ago by a coworker.
• It is getting lighter out for longer.
• I no longer drive to and from school in the dark (just to).
• My parents are home from their vacation in Thailand and we get to go see them tonight!
• I got to spend a lot of time with friends and family this week and though I was tired I was not terribly behind or lacking in my work.
• I am learning how to do my job, and it's not too bad most of the time.
• My kids are funny and cute.
• I'm reading a fiction book, just for fun!
• My DH has been taking care of the dishes and the meals.
• Coffee is hot and plentiful at school. It even tastes good.
• I have benefits!
• I got paid!
• The cold snap has ended and when it was cold our vehicle stayed reliable.
• There is outside recess all day today! Yahoo!
• I've lost 12lbs
• I have been encouraged by many very kind students and staff at school, as well as friends and family outside of school.
• I am able to sleep till my alarm now.
• I have internet at home most of the time and can keep in touch with people better.
• I'm healthy.

Taking my attitude in hand.

I read this blog this morning, and was cut to the quick.
Despite knowing that I need to love others more than myself, I truly don't. I love people who show me love, but God says even wicked people do that. I tend to pat myself on the back and say "I'm a good person", but I'm not. I'm a selfish, wicked person. I also am unable to change myself. The only way I can be saved from my selfishness is by God's Holy Spirit living in me. I have been frustrated by my bible readings lately, frowning at the Book and thinking to myself "ya ya, I know I'm a sinner, Ya ya, I know I can only become good through God's saving grace". But this morning I heard a whisper in my ear saying "stop crushing my spirit!" I have been trying to be a good person on my own strength. I've been willing myself to like my students, but not praying for them. I've been throwing pity parties for myself because I don't like certain aspects of my life, but I have not been looking for ways to worship and praise God in any circumstance. I am tired and exhausted, but I have not been resting in the Lord, or meditating on his word. I have been believe the lie that I must do it on my own. I CANNOT! Though my struggles are massively different in some ways from Katie's (afore mentioned blog), they are the same in the struggle to put down my selfishness and be willing to live a life directed by God's spirit. Truthfully, I don't even know how to listen. I'm so accustomed to my whining, complaining flesh making all the decisions and choices. I need to practice, which means I'm going to be falling down quite a bit, which means these next 4 weeks of teaching probably won't be a picnic, but it can be a blessing if I can set myself aside and see the picture God is painting in my life. Surrender...it is so hard, but so necessary. Does it get easier with time and practice?

Another Month

Looks like I'm going to be a grade 6 teacher for another month. This is good, this is good, this is good, this is good! If I say it enough I'll believe it. Right now I'm getting over a small crying jag. I feel too weak to do this, I feel too dumb to do this, I feel too tired to do this, I feel too homesick to do this..... it hurts to stretch myself outside my comfort zone. If I can just step back emotionally a bit I know I am doing my best, that I am succeeding mostly, I am learning constantly, I am blessing and being blessed through this experience. But the emotions keep on washing over me. I cry because I am unsure of myself, because I am tired, because I miss being at home with my kids, because the students I'm supposed to be teaching/helping/caring for/loving are driving me crazy with their typical pre-teen ways. I cry because I should be grateful for this chance to learn, this chance to obey God even when I don't want to, for this chance to serve others, but I'm not grateful...instead I complain and that makes me cry. I cry because there is a pile of papers on my desk with no names on them! of all the things, how can this little niggling stupid problem make me cry! But seriously, I can't figure out who they belong to so someone might have to get a bad mark, even though they did the work! I cry because I can't bring myself to give zeros to struggling students, because it hurts me to see kids who don't want to go outside for recess because they don't have friends to play with, because I don't know how to get a hyper active student to sit down and learn without being a grump. I cry because I DO care, but I don't want to, because it hurts to care. Oh boy am I ever on a non coherant rant! I'm crying like crazy, but you know what?

I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength. I WILL choose to do all things with Love (even through clentched teeth). I will not lean on my own understanding, but in all things I will acknowelge Christ, and He will direct my path. I will not be anxious, but I WILL be thankful and cast my cares upon the Lord, for He cares for me and my rowdy grade sixers AND my babies at home. I will cling to the peace that passes all understanding, and take one day at a time. I will hope for the best & plan for the worst (I don't think that last one is from scripture, it's just good advice from my Dad).

But for now.... I am having a good cry, because I just can't seem to stop. I plan to pull it together and be professional in a few minutes, complete my lesson plan for tomorrow, pack up my marking and go home to my DH and my babies. Just as soon as I find a Kleenex....

I Slept!

Milestone! I have finally slept through the night until my alarm rang on a school night! Glory Be! I feel rested, but still nervous. Oops, I just realized I forgot to take my vitamin B12 this morning. I hope the extra sleep covers for those seretonin building vitamins today. I'm praying that I find out what is going to happen to me (if I'm going to be asked to keep teaching or not) today. It's starting to get difficult to plan for the up coming week, not knowing if I'm going to be here or not. I'm just praying for peace because I'm not sure I will want what is asked of me.
Anyway, it was nice to sleep.

One more week?

Well, I've made it through 2 weeks of teaching grade 6. As far as I know I have 1.5 weeks left. It could be more if the teacher I'm covering for is still not feeling well. I'm TIRED! I would love to sleep for about 3 days! I'm loving that it is Family Day weekend for us and next week will be short. I really can't complain. The first week I was teaching was a short week because the teachers had Institute Day, so I only actually had to teach 2 days. Then the second week was only 3 days of teaching because Teacher's Convention was two days out of that week. So this past week is the only full week I've taught and Friday was a Valentine Luncheon & Skate. Next week is 4 days because of Family day and then who knows after that. I stress a little because I'm still trying to teach the kids all the stuff they have to know with less time than I would like to have. I like having the days off, but it is teaching time taken from me that I don't get back. I just have to pray that the students listen and learn and get it the first or second time, because a third and fourth review is simply not possible.

The students I am teaching are nice for the most part. Some are less than thrilled with me, but no open animosity seems to exist. They are a talkative, loud group; they are also funny, and interesting. I truly am looking forward to reading and marking their weekly journal entries. I get to learn so much about them from their honest and open entries. This week they were to write about their favorite song, what it is about, what the message is, and how it makes them feel. I'm sure it will give me some insight on the reason they are the way they are.

I keep hoping I will start to relax and get into the swing of things. However, I'm still finding it very difficult to shut my mind off and sleep. I have yet to sleep until my alarm which goes off at 6:30am. That is quite extreme for me. Until I started this little teaching project I had a hard time getting up at 8am with 2 little kids jumping on me asking for a snack and a movie! Now I'm finding myself wide awake at 3 am wondering if I should keep so and so in at recess so I can wrangle a mark out of a struggling student or should I just give up and give them a zero, since they obviously can't be bothered to get their assignments in. What happens if I don't finish the angles unit by next Friday? Will I be able to explain characterization AND themes AND plot summaries in 3 days or should I extend the novel study into the following week and shorten the Tall Tales unit?!!! The hours creep by until I mercifully can get up a half hour before my alarm and go to school and shuffle through plans and papers and hope desperately that no one fails because I forgot to teach something!

I know that some people think that I am totally cut out for teaching (by my natural leadership abilities...er...bossiness) but I'm not sure they are right. It doesn't feel like it is getting easier, and I'm terrified that I'll be asked to teach until the end of June!!!!!! I can definitely use the work and the money, but will the cost of the stress be worth it?

On the up side, I'm definitely losing weight! I'm well on course with my goal of losing 3lbs a month until my sister's wedding, AND I got into some pre children pants yesterday and was able to actually wear them somewhere, not just hold my breath and walk around my bedroom!

On the down side, I miss my kids and they miss me. It is nice to be missed, but I feel so distant from my mothering role right now. I feel like I'm missing everything good, and worthwhile. I feel left out of all the important things, like potty training triumphs, funny sayings, new skills learned, and hugs and kisses that should have been mine. I'm jealous for my babies moments. I'm glad it is my DH that is getting to stand in, but I'm still not convinced that I should be giving up those precious seconds to shout over 26 disengaged and disinterested pre teens.

I guess it doesn't matter what I am convinced of, this is something I'm doing for now. Regardless of how I feel, I must do my job as if Jesus was my principal, student and PTA member. I need to count it all joy, and pray through the sleepless hours and stressful moments. I need to be thankful for the moments I have with my little ones and not agonize over the time I'm away. I need to value and love and serve the crazy, hormonal children in my classroom just as I value my own babies. Because that is what Jesus would do, and that is what he will give me strength to do. So I will soak up the rest and fun of this long weekend and prepare my heart to meet the challenges of next week when next week comes.

non caffinated

I wish I had something funny, witty, profound to write every day on my blog.
I love reading other people's blogs and I'm disappointed if they don't post everyday. Yet, I hesitate to write my thoughts because they seem quite trivial and uninteresting when I see them in print. But oh well, in the spirit of just writing something, just getting the squeaky, rusty gears in my head moving again, I shall endeavor to let my stream of consciousness flow (that sounds kind of yucky doesn't it).
Today I struggled through another day of subbing at the Jr. High school (I'm there all week), with out coffee! No, I'm not on a health kick, someone (they better hope I never find out who) replaced the old help yourself coffee pot with a new fangled bring your own coffee packet version. I have no idea where to get the packets in order to buy my own, and I detest the idea of begging for one from the office admin. So I'm going without. It doesn't bode well for the students or staff when this is my last week of subbing for the year and I'm non caffeinated. My care and concern level is well below normal. I have visions of sending the kids out to their lockers for the pens, pencils, text books, and brains that they forgot to bring to class, then locking them out and just curling up with a good book for 7 hours. It would make everyone happy. They don't want to be in class, and I don't really want them in there with me either! What I especially dislike is that I have to be honest with myself and realize that I used to be that snotty little sarcastic preteen rolling her eyes at me and chewing gum like her jaw is unhinged. I have to acknowledge that I never did get the purpose of the Pythagorean theorem, and can't think of an instance where I've used that information in real life. I have to pretend that it is of the utmost importance that no one leaves the classroom a minute before the bell rings, and if anyone does there will be dire consequences (which I have yet to think up!) ...
I think I have to stop. This rant is making me tired. I guess I will just suck it up and tick off another day tomorrow, and stop by Timmy's before school...and after!
TTFN