What's your sign?

Tisha, I had to post this too. It is so good.
I think my sign would say....

Plagued with worry & guilt....

Casting my cares on the Lord, for HE CARES for me!

What would yours be?

No Homework!

I'm not taking any marking home tonight! AND.... I'm leaving before dark! I do think the world might fall apart if I do not complete the marking on my desk, but if it does it might be a relief!

My homework tonight is to cuddle my kids and watch a movie with my man.
I will wrestle with angles, adverbs and attitudes tomorrow.

Taking my attitude in hand.

I read this blog this morning, and was cut to the quick.
Despite knowing that I need to love others more than myself, I truly don't. I love people who show me love, but God says even wicked people do that. I tend to pat myself on the back and say "I'm a good person", but I'm not. I'm a selfish, wicked person. I also am unable to change myself. The only way I can be saved from my selfishness is by God's Holy Spirit living in me. I have been frustrated by my bible readings lately, frowning at the Book and thinking to myself "ya ya, I know I'm a sinner, Ya ya, I know I can only become good through God's saving grace". But this morning I heard a whisper in my ear saying "stop crushing my spirit!" I have been trying to be a good person on my own strength. I've been willing myself to like my students, but not praying for them. I've been throwing pity parties for myself because I don't like certain aspects of my life, but I have not been looking for ways to worship and praise God in any circumstance. I am tired and exhausted, but I have not been resting in the Lord, or meditating on his word. I have been believe the lie that I must do it on my own. I CANNOT! Though my struggles are massively different in some ways from Katie's (afore mentioned blog), they are the same in the struggle to put down my selfishness and be willing to live a life directed by God's spirit. Truthfully, I don't even know how to listen. I'm so accustomed to my whining, complaining flesh making all the decisions and choices. I need to practice, which means I'm going to be falling down quite a bit, which means these next 4 weeks of teaching probably won't be a picnic, but it can be a blessing if I can set myself aside and see the picture God is painting in my life. Surrender...it is so hard, but so necessary. Does it get easier with time and practice?

It's a New Day

Ok people! I'm back. My tears are wiped away and I drove to work listening to Shine FM and hearing love songs from the Lord telling me, "you can do it, I will give you the strength, I have a purpose for you, I am with you, ask and I will give, you matter to me..." I also read a neat post here that helped give me a new perspective (my favorite part was when she says..."there are no real emergencies"). I am reminded that the world will not fall apart if I make a few mistakes. The kids will not be scarred for life if they get a couple bad grades. I am still a good mother, even when I'm very busy, and very tired. I am doing my very best, and I care about what I'm doing and that goes a very long way. I am trying to remember that this position is a blessing for me. I am learning and growing and meeting new people. Something else that is a recurring theme in my mind these days is: nothing stays the same for long, things change. I watched the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons and that seemed to be the theme, then at church the sermon was about how only God remains constantly the same, never changing, never wavering. I am so glad for these to truths. I am so glad that I will change, that I will not always be worried, stressed and tired. I will grow in confidence and abilities. I will develop deeper understanding and empathy. More importantly, God remains my rock, my comforter, my source of wisdom and understanding. I can always give him my worries, I can trust him with my life and my children's lives and my students' lives. These thoughts helped dry my eyes last night and helped me rest peacefully.

Another Month

Looks like I'm going to be a grade 6 teacher for another month. This is good, this is good, this is good, this is good! If I say it enough I'll believe it. Right now I'm getting over a small crying jag. I feel too weak to do this, I feel too dumb to do this, I feel too tired to do this, I feel too homesick to do this..... it hurts to stretch myself outside my comfort zone. If I can just step back emotionally a bit I know I am doing my best, that I am succeeding mostly, I am learning constantly, I am blessing and being blessed through this experience. But the emotions keep on washing over me. I cry because I am unsure of myself, because I am tired, because I miss being at home with my kids, because the students I'm supposed to be teaching/helping/caring for/loving are driving me crazy with their typical pre-teen ways. I cry because I should be grateful for this chance to learn, this chance to obey God even when I don't want to, for this chance to serve others, but I'm not grateful...instead I complain and that makes me cry. I cry because there is a pile of papers on my desk with no names on them! of all the things, how can this little niggling stupid problem make me cry! But seriously, I can't figure out who they belong to so someone might have to get a bad mark, even though they did the work! I cry because I can't bring myself to give zeros to struggling students, because it hurts me to see kids who don't want to go outside for recess because they don't have friends to play with, because I don't know how to get a hyper active student to sit down and learn without being a grump. I cry because I DO care, but I don't want to, because it hurts to care. Oh boy am I ever on a non coherant rant! I'm crying like crazy, but you know what?

I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength. I WILL choose to do all things with Love (even through clentched teeth). I will not lean on my own understanding, but in all things I will acknowelge Christ, and He will direct my path. I will not be anxious, but I WILL be thankful and cast my cares upon the Lord, for He cares for me and my rowdy grade sixers AND my babies at home. I will cling to the peace that passes all understanding, and take one day at a time. I will hope for the best & plan for the worst (I don't think that last one is from scripture, it's just good advice from my Dad).

But for now.... I am having a good cry, because I just can't seem to stop. I plan to pull it together and be professional in a few minutes, complete my lesson plan for tomorrow, pack up my marking and go home to my DH and my babies. Just as soon as I find a Kleenex....

I Slept!

Milestone! I have finally slept through the night until my alarm rang on a school night! Glory Be! I feel rested, but still nervous. Oops, I just realized I forgot to take my vitamin B12 this morning. I hope the extra sleep covers for those seretonin building vitamins today. I'm praying that I find out what is going to happen to me (if I'm going to be asked to keep teaching or not) today. It's starting to get difficult to plan for the up coming week, not knowing if I'm going to be here or not. I'm just praying for peace because I'm not sure I will want what is asked of me.
Anyway, it was nice to sleep.

One more week?

Well, I've made it through 2 weeks of teaching grade 6. As far as I know I have 1.5 weeks left. It could be more if the teacher I'm covering for is still not feeling well. I'm TIRED! I would love to sleep for about 3 days! I'm loving that it is Family Day weekend for us and next week will be short. I really can't complain. The first week I was teaching was a short week because the teachers had Institute Day, so I only actually had to teach 2 days. Then the second week was only 3 days of teaching because Teacher's Convention was two days out of that week. So this past week is the only full week I've taught and Friday was a Valentine Luncheon & Skate. Next week is 4 days because of Family day and then who knows after that. I stress a little because I'm still trying to teach the kids all the stuff they have to know with less time than I would like to have. I like having the days off, but it is teaching time taken from me that I don't get back. I just have to pray that the students listen and learn and get it the first or second time, because a third and fourth review is simply not possible.

The students I am teaching are nice for the most part. Some are less than thrilled with me, but no open animosity seems to exist. They are a talkative, loud group; they are also funny, and interesting. I truly am looking forward to reading and marking their weekly journal entries. I get to learn so much about them from their honest and open entries. This week they were to write about their favorite song, what it is about, what the message is, and how it makes them feel. I'm sure it will give me some insight on the reason they are the way they are.

I keep hoping I will start to relax and get into the swing of things. However, I'm still finding it very difficult to shut my mind off and sleep. I have yet to sleep until my alarm which goes off at 6:30am. That is quite extreme for me. Until I started this little teaching project I had a hard time getting up at 8am with 2 little kids jumping on me asking for a snack and a movie! Now I'm finding myself wide awake at 3 am wondering if I should keep so and so in at recess so I can wrangle a mark out of a struggling student or should I just give up and give them a zero, since they obviously can't be bothered to get their assignments in. What happens if I don't finish the angles unit by next Friday? Will I be able to explain characterization AND themes AND plot summaries in 3 days or should I extend the novel study into the following week and shorten the Tall Tales unit?!!! The hours creep by until I mercifully can get up a half hour before my alarm and go to school and shuffle through plans and papers and hope desperately that no one fails because I forgot to teach something!

I know that some people think that I am totally cut out for teaching (by my natural leadership abilities...er...bossiness) but I'm not sure they are right. It doesn't feel like it is getting easier, and I'm terrified that I'll be asked to teach until the end of June!!!!!! I can definitely use the work and the money, but will the cost of the stress be worth it?

On the up side, I'm definitely losing weight! I'm well on course with my goal of losing 3lbs a month until my sister's wedding, AND I got into some pre children pants yesterday and was able to actually wear them somewhere, not just hold my breath and walk around my bedroom!

On the down side, I miss my kids and they miss me. It is nice to be missed, but I feel so distant from my mothering role right now. I feel like I'm missing everything good, and worthwhile. I feel left out of all the important things, like potty training triumphs, funny sayings, new skills learned, and hugs and kisses that should have been mine. I'm jealous for my babies moments. I'm glad it is my DH that is getting to stand in, but I'm still not convinced that I should be giving up those precious seconds to shout over 26 disengaged and disinterested pre teens.

I guess it doesn't matter what I am convinced of, this is something I'm doing for now. Regardless of how I feel, I must do my job as if Jesus was my principal, student and PTA member. I need to count it all joy, and pray through the sleepless hours and stressful moments. I need to be thankful for the moments I have with my little ones and not agonize over the time I'm away. I need to value and love and serve the crazy, hormonal children in my classroom just as I value my own babies. Because that is what Jesus would do, and that is what he will give me strength to do. So I will soak up the rest and fun of this long weekend and prepare my heart to meet the challenges of next week when next week comes.

Romantic Valentine Poem

This is something I made all my grade 6s do for each other. So here' s mine:

Husband

Brilliant, Talented

Thinking, Teasing, Trying

The one I choose to love, and I love my choice!

Leader

Here's the formula if you want to write one too:

Line 1: Noun

Line 2: Two adjectives describing the noun on line 1

Line 3: Three workds ending with -ing (action words) that describe what the noun might do.

Line 4: Write a phrase about the noun.

Line 5: Write a synonym of the noun.

Have fun all you poets out there.

"what was that!" my mind snapped to attention from a peaceful slumber. I quickly did a body count. Hubby still in bed, kids not up the noise was to quiet to be them, and I can still hear snoring coming from their room. I lay still and quiet trying to determine if it was a dream that woke me. No! There! Look! a small shadow flits under my bedroom door and quiet scampering noise startles me into denial. "I must be seeing things, it's nothing, probably just the furnace making that noise and I'm blind without my glasses, must be my imagination. Go back to sleep." But I can't sleep. Hmmm, well I guess I could get up and check my email. Now's a perfect time for uninterrupted blog surfing. As I sit and read, suddenly there is a scratching noise coming from a storage box right beside me! Ack! I don't want to look! What will I do if I see a mouse? This sounds way bigger than any mouse I've incountered, what do I do? what do I do? The noise must have been wondering the same thing because when I finally turned my head to look at the noise it looked right back at me! A little white face with tiny round ears peaked out at me, squeaked at my stricken face and dashed back into hiding. That was no mouse! What do I do? What do I do? This is justification for a hubby wake up call!

To make a long story longer...
We had an ermine in our house today. We chased it around and we're really not sure where it ended up. Could still be inside, or maybe if found a mysterious hole to slither out of. We set a live mouse trap for it, but are not very hopeful that it will be caught. We don't really want it dead because ermines (we googled this morning) eat mice and voles and many other pests and can be a good thing to have around. However, they also have musk glands and can make a stink if they are frightened, so I don't really want one in the house. Our little visitor was really very cute and, aside from the noise this morning, caused very little havok. Honestly, I was relieved when it wasn't a mouse peering out at me, but I'm also a bit disconcerted. I certainly don't want a weasel family taking over my house, I have enough trouble just cleaning up after my own little rug rats! Oh well, I guess we'll just keep our eyes and ears peeled and go on with life. What is life, after all, without all these interesting misadventures.

I am a wimp!

I have just spent the evening reading blogs. I love doing this, I'm slightly addicted to other people's true stories. I have placed a badge on my page so you can click on it and check out a young woman who has amazing stories, and who is really really tough. She is tough because God strengthens her and that same God will strengthen anyone who asks, seeks and obeys him. I want to be strengthened, and I want to be tough. I don't want to live in fear of tomorrow, but boldly stand up and do what is asked of me today. I feel so unable, but I know I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me. Now I need to take that inspiriation and pour it into my classroom, my home and my heart. Check out the Amazima stories and be inspired and challenged also.

Prayer & Praise

Thanks for the prayers everybody. I am lifted up and thankful.
Here are some needs & praises in my world right now:

• Pray for a sound mind, a compassionate heart and authority over fear and worry
• Pray for students lives, attitudes and actions to be influenced positively
• Pray for the health of the teacher I'm covering for
• Pray for Dade & Matia, who really don't like it when Mommy goes to school. Matia, " Mommy you no go to school, you stay here wiff me!!!" shouted in a growly loud voice.
• Pray for Mr. Mom Mike who is also trying to get a small business started while watching 2 kids all day. Pray that he gets some calls on his first flyer mail out.
• Pray for me to be organized, and know what I'm doing! Ha ha, I need that prayer even when I'm not teaching.
• Pray for my Grade 6s who are writing a fractions test tomorrow and still don't know what an improper fraction is! Yikes.
• Pray for my struggling students, that I will know what to do to encourage them to keep trying and not give up.
• Pray for my high achieving students that I will know how to keep them engaged and challenged and not bored.
• Pray for sleep for me, I can't turn off my brain at night.
• Praise God for great friends and family who encourage me so much.
• Praise God for kind staff members at the school
• Praise God for Teacher's Convention and Family Day! ha ha.
• Praise God for just enough work and money to cover our needs.
• Praise God for new opportunities that make me grow.
• Praise God for endless resources on line

There is much more I could be thankful for and ask for, but I'll stop there today, because I need to go work on my plans for tomorrow. I can't wait till I actually feel like my feet are underneath me again.

Hopefully Yours

OK, so... I'm teaching.
I have been plopped into a short temporary teaching positio. I'm teaching Grade 6 Math, Language Arts and Phys.Ed. I am so outside my comfort zone.
What I like about teaching, more specifically subbing, is the variety of students and subjects I meet. I enjoy the challenge of classroom managment and I also enjoy seeing a different set of faces each day. I am not as strong in the lesson planning & evaulation & assesment. It makes me nervous to be responsible for students' day to day progress. I hate the thought of someone doing poorly, or struggling. I feel so disorganized and unsure of myself.

Hopefully in the next few weeks I will grow and become stronger in the areas that I am weak in. Hopefully I will start sleeping again and remembering to eat lunch. Hopefully I will be helpful to the students and staff that have welcomed me warmly, and been very understanding over the last 3 days of classes. Hopefully I will develop a new understanding of my abilities and will over come my fear of failure in this setting. Hopefully by teaching, planning, listening, trying, even failing, I am being obedient to God's will for my life and I will have no regrets regardless of the out come.
Hopefully I make it ghrough tomorrow, and the next day and the next...