Anxiety

After posting a years worth of pictures of each of my kids (well, half a year for Kayla), I have once again become shocked and dismayed at how fast time is passing, and how few of the things I've done with my kids that I thought I would do some day.  It's so easy to get into a slump and day after day passes, mess after mess is mopped up, tears are wiped, smiles are captured on USB cards, meals are made and devoured, and I try desperately to cling to these moments.  This time that I have right now, that I will look back and wish for someday.  AAAAAHHHH the pressure, to live in the moment, to plan for the future and to learn from the past.  I sure feel like I'm not getting it.  I keep trying to be patient, but I blow up over a water spill.  I begrudge the meals I have to make, and forget to be thankful for the food in my fridge and the family to share it with.  Some days I feel like I'm being buried alive under a pile of requests, duties and commitments.  This is laughable when I consider how few things I am committed to outside my home, in comparison to many other accomplished women I know.  I'm starting to become afraid that I won't ever get this Mom thing figured out.  I have decided to home-school and the more planning and research I do the more panic creeps into my heart.  What if I wreck my kids? I think I may be on the bottom end of an emotional pendulum and I know my perspective will change with the up swing. In the mean time it helps to just record my feelings and my worries and my anxiety, to stop and recognize that the Lord is in control even when I feel like everything is out of control and nothing is certain and I am supremely unable to do what needs to be done. Even when I feel like I can't, he can. He will enable me to do his will if I just believe that I can because of his power, not my own. There, that makes me feel better to think this all out with my fingers and to acknowledge that I am afraid and I really am not able, but God is able and he has promised never to leave me or forsake me and to give me his strength and Spirit to do what needs to be done.