Shallow

I'm feeling shallow today.
I'm not motivated to do anything, though I know there is always much to do.
That centrifugal force of selfishness pins me to my chair. I don't serve, I don't pray, I don't praise, I don't reach out. I just sit back and allow the waves of apathy wash over me.
From something as small as knowing I should use my time wisely to accomplish all my daily tasks, to knowing I need to submit my will again and again to my God and King. I do neither. I know I can do, be and go, yet I don't, am not and stay! I don't want my life to be wrecked by any "outrageous" obedience. I don't want to give up my comforts to be blessed immeasurably by my heavenly father who created me and has a plan for me to prosper!
I don't want to be judged. I just want to squeak by.
What is wrong with me!!!!!
How do I overcome?
I'm immature, ignorant and in denial. I don't really want to search my heart or be shown the wicked ways in me. So I curl in on the wickedness and try to hide it or excuse it.
I don't think my life reflects what I say I believe. The only thing I can be glad about is, that gives me a terribly uncomfortable feeling! That discomfort gives me hope.
I think I've mentioned before, my aversion to growing, stretching, and learning. I hate the uncomfortable feelings it brings. I hate feeling like I don't know what is happening, or what is going to happen. My inflated ego thinks I can predict and control the future, what a joke! What a lie! I have moments where I can glimpse the comfort of uncertainty; where letting go of trying to be in control releases me to be, do and go where I might not have otherwise. Those are good terrible (not terribly good) moments.
I suppose in a way I can be thankful for this evening of wasted time, since it has caused me some discomfort and soul searching. Though I had no desire tonight to face my shallowness, acknowledging that apathy has caused me to dig a little deeper, inspired me to look a little closer, and challenged me to keep casting off the selfishness that is holding me captive.