Gentleness Training - Week 1

I started a gentleness challenge this week. When I first read about the idea I thought it was something I could easily be successful at. After all, I've always been described by my friends and family as a nice person, easy going, calm, and kind. I've since found out that these people who love me might be a bit biased in their descriptions. I have a quick temper and bitterness seethes close to the surface often. The ones that live with me will tell you that I am not always gentle. My words can be quite sharp, bringing forth hot tears (mine and theirs). My fingers press just a bit too tightly into soft skin as I try to convince a body to do my bidding. Most of all, my facial expressions and body language speak loudly of the thoughts I might not say. My rolling eyes and audible huffy sigh brutally defeat a daughter seeking comfort, a husband looking for warmth, a son seeking approval.

No I am not a gentlewoman... but I want to be.

The only comfort I have regarding my lack of self control is that I am terribly ashamed of it. The fact that I want to change is what I cling to and what I plead for. The Lord is working in my heart and showing me the wickedness in me, just as I asked him to. Thank you God! What an painful, hope-giving answer to prayer. I have heard of parents praying that their children would be caught if they were involved in sin, so that they could be corrected and reinstated. In the same way I need God to shine his light on the dark ugliness in my soul, so it can be routed out and I can be renewed.

The challenge to be gentle has shone a spotlight on an area in my heart that I didn't realize needed to be cleansed.

I have failed this week many times. It is painful to become aware of my hurtfulness while I am in the very act, but it is also a clean feeling to ask forgiveness and to change the course of my behavior as it unfolds. It's kind of like antiseptic cleansing a wound; ouch, but ahhh!

I have succeeded many times also. It is satisfying to lower my voice and see my children respond to my command any way. Forcefulness is not necessary, it is just my habit. It is heart warming to chose to hold my babies, instead of nag them about every mess I pass in a day.

Very slowly I am learning to choose gentleness, and let go of the tight controlling grip I default to. What freedom! How much more will I find as that grip lessens all the more? I can't wait to find out.