So, I thought I got all my agrivation out of my system the night I ran away from home to rant (my previous post) but I'm still struggling.
The very next day, after praying for strength and resolving to be nicer and better to everyone around me, I totally lost it! I was a raving lunitic for 2 mins then a crying ball of blubber for 2 hours then an incapacitated sloth for the rest of the day (sleeping and sitting on the couch in shock at my terrible behaviour). Why did I act that way? Why did I say those thoughtless words? Where was the strength and resolve I'd discussed with God earlier? Was I under attack, or did I sabbotage myself?
I've recovered since, but I'm still disturbed and embarrassed at my behaviour. Though my loved ones have forgiven me (so they say) I'm not sure how they can. Maybe I'm forgiven, but they must wonder about me. I know I do. I wonder, "when will I lose it next? how far will I take my rampage next time? who could get hurt by my words or actions? will they forgive me again and again? what can I do to prevent these outbursts? how can I learn self control? does prayer do anything? Is there something more I should be doing? Are there magic words I'm not saying?"
What is funny is that many of my friends and family would describe me as patient, easy going, calm, quick to laugh. Also, usually I am quick to ask forgiveness if I think I've hurt someone, and I'm genuinely sorry. Yet, if I'm so sorry why don't I change my behavior? Why do I keep stumbling over the same insecurities and fears over and over. Why can I not have victory over them after years and years of battling and clinging to my savior?
No answers tonight. I'm just trying to put down the shame sticking to me and take hold of the grace and forgivness that comes from knowing Jesus, and know that it IS REAL, and it IS ENOUGH. It is enough to wipe away my embarassment, it is enough to repair my frayed relationships, and it is enough to give me courage to share my story with others who might be struggling too.
Hi Erin.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking of you over the last couple of days. I read through a lot of your blog just after stampede and we had been facebooking.
I came back tonight b/c you seem to be writing my life! I don't know if its that we have similar personalities or b/c we are in similar times of our life. But just your everyday thoughts are encouraging (not to mention knowing that someone else rants, struggles and clings).
You are a great mom and wife! Hope things are settling in for you for the winter.
The other Erin
I really relate to this post Erin. I struggle all the time with just being able to accept grace and forgiveness. It is easy to be consumed by the guilt and shame. You are not alone.
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