Haven't Ranted in a While...

Lord, in the midst of a day's ashes, I forget Your will for me. Help me. I know it's simple... and yet, for this sinner, so hard: Give thanks, again, give thanks. Ann Voskamp

I Find myself avoiding the Holy Experience blog because she always seems to write something that douses the fire of my indignation and prevents me from sitting down to a good ole spew it out rant when I'm ticked. Curiosity usually gets the better of me, I can't resist good writing, and I read her blog and she inspires me to tame my raging emotions and to open my heart once more to God's will. It's funny, it's kind of a let down, as crazy as that sounds. I'd much rather give my emotions their head and let them gallop all over the feelings of those closest to me. I'd much rather rant and rave about the injustices dealt to me by inconsiderate toddlers, or a preoccupied husband, than quietly reflect on the ways God is nurturing the fruit of his Spirit in me.

Would I learn anything about the depths of Love if my marriage is always easy and blissful?
Would my heart be able to rejoice at small mercies if I never look closely at sorrow or pain?
Will I ever experience the Peace that passes all understanding if I never battle against anxiety?
How can I expect to learn patience if I never have to wait for anyone?
Gentleness is a foreign concept unless contrasted against harsh words, unintentionally spoken.
My faith needs to grow through experiences of uncertainty, where I learn what it means to trust God, though I am extremely reluctant and fretful through such experiences.
The Good that God is working in me, struggles daily against the evil in my human nature.
As I learn to submit my will to the Lord, he teaches me how to control myself, though I seem to be a difficult student.
When I consider what it means to humble myself, I discover how prideful I am.

Right now I just want to rant and rave. I feel very yucky, angry, annoyed, tired, vulnerable, judged, alone.

I've been reading Ecclesiastes. It's not a super good book for putting a person in a good mood, but it does help a bit with perspective. Nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things. Not my mood, not where I live, not what I have, not what I wear or look like. In 10,50,100, 1000 years no one will care or even remember anything about me. That takes the pressure off. The only one I need to fear is God. Which brings back the pressure again, cause boy have I not been focusing my worship in the right place. The pressure is relaxed once again when I remember God's promise to never leave me, nor forsake me. He knows what I'm like, and he draws me back to his side like a good shepherd. Sometimes the way he draws me back hurts a bit, or is embarrassing or awkward. I wish it wasn't necessary, but I'm such a sheep. Silly and easily distracted.

Well folks, you can see why I label this a rant. It's choppy, emotional, a bit out there, and not thought through a great deal. It's just here. My brain just needed a release, but now I'm tired, so I can't really even articulate an ending to this shmozzle. Do what you can to find something worth commenting on.